wearing masks

 of flesh and blood (2012)

"We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin."

I've been feeling quite introspective lately...and it wasn't until after I took this photo recently that I began to notice the frequency with which I use masks -- both literally and figuratively -- in my self-portraits. For me, self-portraiture is a way to visually document my thoughts, dreams, fears, and joys. So if that's the case, what am I revealing about myself?

So I wanted to share some of my past masked self-portraits and tell you a little bit about why I made it, or what it means for me now.

there are some remedies worse than the disease (2009)

I had just finished watching the movie Surrogates, in which people in a futuristic world interacted with each other not with their own bodies, but through a robotic version of themselves. These "surrogates" would experience life for you --beautiful, perfect, and impervious to sickness and danger -- while the "real" you would live at home in isolation. I think the concept moved me deeply, because the idea isn't too different from all the online interaction and social media we use today. The fact that I'm writing this blog post right now, behind a computer screen, and will publish it online without ever stepping outside, is proof of that, isn't it? So I think in this image I wanted to convey a sense of loss of one's true identity, the real self we hide under a mask of something artificial and seemingly impenetrable.

dress up (2010)

When I originally uploaded this to my flickr, I wrote, "I am 29 years old and I still play dress-up." It's funny, the things we put on our bodies to fit in with social conventions. Another mask? I think so. I may lounge around at home in pajama pants and a holey shirt, but I'll definitely put on something nicer when I'm going out to meet friends for dinner. It's more than just clothes too....tattoos, piercings, how we cut our hair...another layer. Another mask. We're all just trying to fit in with our own particular modern day tribe.

 little bird (2010)

When I bought this old bird cage at a Spanish flea market, I had a feeling I would end up wearing it for a photo. Like the title suggests, I wanted to convey the sense of being locked away like a little bird in a cage. Safe, but confined. And now that I'm looking at this image again, it reminds me of a book I've been reading lately by Desmond Morris called The Human Zoo. He's a zoologist who proposes that people who live in confined, urban environments (cities, basically) exhibit the behavior that resembles that of captive animals, such as stress, random violence, self-mutilation, attacking offspring, etc. It's a fascinating book. He writes in the Introduction:

"The modern human animal is no longer living in conditions natural for his species. Trapped, not by a zoo collector, but by his own brainy brilliance, he has set himself up in a huge, restless menagerie where he is in constant danger of cracking under the strain."

 there's something wrong with my head... (2009)

I've always sort of felt like I never really fit in. Growing up, I moved from place to place so often, so maybe I never had time to. Or maybe I use that as an excuse. So I sit on the outside a lot. I observe. But I'm comfortable with that now. I can hide easily. I do it all the time behind the camera lens. Even when I'm in front of the lens, with all these weird self-portraits, I'm still hiding, showing only a small part of myself. See me, but don't see me. Here I am, but not all of me. I think this self-portrait epitomizes that feeling. Also, I wanted to see what I'd look like with an ink blot as my head :)