the family photos that I usually don't see

I remember last year, when the babes were around 6 months old, I made a facebook post lamenting that I've got tons and tons of photos of just the twins, and the twins with their dad, but very little of the twins with me, their mom. Hashtag photographer mom problems. I was being cheeky at the time, but every now and then, it kinda bums me out. My husband DOES take photos of me with the kids, but not very often, and usually not unless I ask him to. However, over the past year, I've been (not so subtly) encouraging him to take more photos of me with my babes, especially during candid moments where I may not even notice he's taking a photo.

Good news: he's actually been doing it! But he's not the sort of person to share a billion family photos on facebook, so, short of bogarting his phone, I don't usually see the photos he ends up taking.

So today, I sent him this text.

God bless this man. I texted him while he was at work, so I was fully prepared to not get a reply for a couple hours, but he replied and sent a bunch of photos within five minutes! So I wanted to share some of them. I'm also including a few that he took of the just the babes, because he takes some pretty funny shots sometimes (I also just wanna reminisce over how tiny they used to be!)

The day they were born! Hazel on the left, Vince on the right. Look how itty bitty they were! It still blows my mind that these nuggets were inside me for eight months. Just renting out my uterus like an extended stay AirBnB. I'm pretty sure I was off recovering from my having my abdomen sliced open while Vince took this photo. I remember telling him, "Go be with the babies. Take lots of photos."

Hazel does NOT look super stoked to be living out of her warm, weightless AirBnB. I don't blame her. We were both kind of traumatized that day. I was so relieved to not be pregnant anymore, but at the same time, my brain was going, "Holy shit holy shit holy shit they're here and it's getting real now!" I couldn't stop staring at her face though. Every feature was so damn tiny.

I totally remember this photo being taken. It was the day we brought Vince home after nine days in the NICU, and I'll be totally honest: I was pretty terrified. Up until then, we just had Hazel at home, so while things were still scary and new, it felt manageable with just one baby. Coming home with two babies though: HOLD ON TO YOUR BUTTS.

Only like five days old, and my husband managed to capture Hazel's first accidental "F U" to the world. I can't wait to show this to her when she's a sullen angsty teenager and be all "You're not fazing me, I was prepared for this from the minute I brought you home."

Family photo! Okay, so technically, my dad took this photo, but I still wanted to include this one. How in the world does my husband look so awake and refreshed even though we were both doing night feedings?? Oh yeah, cause he wasn't the one recovering from abdominal surgery, having to wear mesh underwear for a still-bleeding vagina, and trying to pump liquid gold out of one's breasts. But I still love this photo, bags-under-my-eyes and all. And again: look how tiny they were!

I don't remember this at all, but I'm getting a kick out of Vince's skinny legs with big 'ole feet. And that was Hazel's favorite spot for many many months, just right there on my chest. I'm also noticing right now my cute little Spanish plates and bowls on the bar cart in the background, and how I miss having them there, since I had to move them once the loinfruits became mobile. I feel like 70% of parenting is regularly asking yourself "Okay, what things in my house can now hurt and/or kill my kids?"

Aww, Vince still lookin tiny in his Bjorn chair. By the way, I love those bouncy chairs so much. The babes are still using them now at 20 months. Every morning and night, I plop them in their chairs for their milk feedings, and they're happy as can be. Also, lurking cat is lurking in the background. This is still, 20 months in, her preferred distance to the kids.

Ah, this was the day I got my husband to help me take my "34 weeks out" photo to compare to my "34 weeks in" photo (You can see the side-by-side here!) Trying to successfully hold two wriggly seven month old babies so that they're both facing the camera at the same time is super hard, you guys. And they're heavy, which is why I think I'm taking a breather in this photo. Plus side of having twins: my arms have never been stronger!

Just a stroller walk around the neighborhood. Before we got our fancy Britax double stroller, we used two separate hand-me-down single strollers from friends to take our babes for walks. Giving the twins a taste of that single-stroller life before we forced them to sit side by side. Also giving me a taste of that singleton baby life; "I only have to push one baby around? This is NICE!"

I don't remember what was happening here, but Vince probably told me I should try to hold both babies for a photo, since I rarely hold both babies at once unless I'm trying to cross a moat of lava by myself with both babies sans stroller.

I just really like Hazel's pose and expression here. I have nothing funny or meaningful to add.

My first reaction to seeing this was, "No, I can't share this, I look awful!" But then I remember every time I would look at a photo of my mom from when she was younger and I was a baby/small child, and if I showed it to her, she would usually remark that she didn't look good in that photo, and I'd always reply, "No, you look beautiful!" Because she does look beautiful to me, and still does. And I hope in the future, my kids will look at these photos of their bare-faced, tired but happy mother, and not have to convince me I looked pretty alright.

Reason #495 my husband loves bath time: he gets to play avant-garde hair stylist with the babes. I'm not even mad.

I was either about to go to my barre class, or I had just gotten back. They can always tell when I'm about to leave the house, and they either get super clingy, or just start whining. It's probably because I suddenly appear wearing different clothes and my hair's down (it's forever up in a ponytail or bun at home), or maybe they have some weird toddler sixth sense. It's probably both.

This was just taken on Mother's Day! We were at Balboa Park with some friends and their kids, and my husband wanted to get one of just me with Hazel and Vince. I had to basically chase them up the hill to get them, and, as they've proven since they both started walking, they were both going in two completely different directions. I love this photo. Whenever I see current photos of my kids, I still always think, "Are they really that big?!" Cause they don't seem that big when I'm playing with them/feeding them/putting them in their cribs day in and day out. In a way, they still feel like little babies to me. So these photos are a nice jolt of reality.

Sorry/not sorry for the overload of baby photos. But I've been wanting to do a post like this for a while. It's nice to share some images on my blog that weren't taken by me in perfect lighting, and weren't carefully edited and cropped and so forth. Because these types of photos are just as important and valuable too. At least to me.

things I've enjoyed recently

1// Last weekend, a friend invited me an essential oils blends DIY, where we made some goodies to take home, like a calming face mist, roller for sore muscles, and detox bath salts. I've been curious about essential oils for a while, so this was a fun and informative introduction to it.

2// I'm in the middle of reading Jancee Dunn's How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids, and so far, it's equal parts helpful and humorous. I love that she includes lots of of actual published data and advice from real marital counselors, but she's kind of my new hero for trying out the techniques she's learning on her own marriage. For the most part, the relationship between my husband and I is pretty solid, even post-twins, but there's definitely areas where we could improve. So this book is pretty eye-opening for me right now. (Bonus: even if you don't have kids, this book is filled with gems of relationship advice and holy-shit-that-is-so-us moments. If you live with your significant other and tend to fight a lot, you should read this!)

3// Catfight was soo good!

4// Suck it, People-Who-Think-Cats-Are-Assholes.

5// HBO's Big Little Lies was a slow burn for me, but so worth it.

6// This made me laugh!

7// My marriage recently turned 14 years old! Yay us! We went out for a much-deserved date night, and right before heading out, I asked my dear friend, who was babysitting the twins, if she would take this photo of us. I love that if you look closely, you can spot both loinfruits pressed up against the screen door, making Very Loud Noises because they wanted to be outside with us too. I'm so lucky to have these three people in my life :)

motherhood lately

My twin babes are nearly 18 months old, and I know I keep saying this at every new stage, but this is seriously the best age! They're full-on toddlers, even though I still call them my babies, and most likely will even when they have children of their own and I'm arthritic with a cane.

Every day, Hazel and Vincent are learning and discovering and taking joy in the tiniest things, and it's such a damn joy to watch. Vincent will bring me books to read to him, and he'll babble his thoughts with every turn of the page. He loves to stack his building blocks, and even claps when he's particularly proud of his technique. Hazel is the first to explore every last inch of her surroundings, including every blade of grass and all the sticks within reach. She reminds me that even in my humble backyard, there's so many different things to touch and discover.

They both love to watch Sesame Street, particularly Elmo and the Cookie Monster. They light up whenever we Facetime with my parents and in-laws. They want to be friends with the resident cat so bad, despite her obvious disdain of these tiny humans I brought into the house. They bop along in their highchairs to music that I play everyday during lunch time, and Hazel apparently is a Talking Heads fan. They'll happily eat kimchi and seaweed and fried rice, but if I had a nickel for every time Vincent willingly ate plain grilled chicken, I'd have like 15 cents (thanks Korean genes!).

I feel like so many internet articles claim that anyone who admits to enjoy parenting is a liar, or that if you're not completely miserable during the first year of your child's life, you're not human. Yes, YES, the first year was hard for me, particularly the first 4-6 months. I was in survival mode, and I dealt with post-partum depression, and just everything times two. But I feel it's just as important to share the joyous/holy-shit-my-kids-are-awesome stories, because it's honest and real. My babes never had any "sleep regressions." They sleep 12 hours a night. They love car rides and being in their stroller and just being anywhere new. They're generally happy babies, and I hate that I feel guilty admitting that, as if that's something "you don't do" in the mom community. I've been watching the new season of Girls on HBO, and there was a line from a recent episode where a woman was telling Hannah about what it was like having a kid, and she said, "Kids are easy. It's being an adult that's hard." And that was so refreshing to hear, even in just a fictional TV show.

My kids aren't even two years old yet, and I still feel like I'm supposed to wait for the ball to drop. For shit to get REAL AWFUL. "Terrible Two's" and "Threen-ager." Meanwhile, I'm just excited for when I can have a two-way conversation with my kids, and they can say the actual sentence, "Mama, I'm tired." Sure, they might morph into little assholes sometimes, but isn't that true of every stage of human life? I definitely remember calling my twins assholes in the early months of life, when they projectile-shat onto the walls and carpet of their nursery, or when, at 8 months old, they tossed perfectly good spaghetti onto the floor from their highchair without even trying it. They still have their asshole moments right now, like when Vincent has a tantrum because I won't turn on the vacuum cleaner (he's obsessed with watching me clean), or when I'm trying to change Hazel's diaper but she hates having her vagina clean for some reason (she does this jerky yoga bridge move, and I'm just like WHY? YOU WANT A CLEAN VAGINA OK JUST TRUST ME ON THIS).

I love being their mom. I love watching them grow. I hate that I cry at everything - commercials, Disney songs, Youtube clips. The other day, the babes were listening to a playlist of Disney songs on the Kindle, and when "You Got A Friend In Me" from Toy Story started playing, it reminded me that in the third Toy Story movie, the kid is grown up and about to leave for college, which reminded me that one day my kids are gonna leave the nest some day, and I proceeded to get weepy and hug my kids extra hard. Every time Vincent and Hazel hug me, I think, "SOAK. THIS. UP. ONE DAY THEY'LL BE EMBARRASSED TO HUG YOU."

So yeah. This is my life right now when it comes to my kids. I love them, and I constantly want to brag on them, and yes, I'm still tired, cause kids are tiring, but they're keeping me young, and active, and they make me see the world through fresh eyes. I feel so lucky to be their mom. And so I shall leave you with a recent video from earlier today. Just two silly kids doing their own thing in their backyard, which usually involves eating my plants and trying to touch things.

I have this thing with graphic tees

 Lately, I've been having this love affair with shirts with words on them. And for an introvert who avoids talking to strangers in public at all costs but still wants to express herself in witty ways, graphic tees are the perfect solution. Here's a few of my favorites!

From the fine folks over at Stay Home Club. I am their Vice President, and we have bi-monthly meetings at.....hahahhaaa, we don't ever meet up, silly.

I love this one by Little Adi + Co. Because that's the great thing about having twins: instant tribe!

Another one from Stay Home Club, because I'm their VP, remember? I like to wear this one on days I feel particularly down and mopey. Also, cats.

Caffeine and Leslie Knope are more of my spirit animals these days, and whiskey less so, but still. A fun shirt to wear. I wore this recently to a kid's birthday party, and got approving nods from a few of the dads there. Or they just knew I have twins and thought, "Yeah I'd drink whiskey if I had twins too." Disclaimer: I do not drink whiskey because I have twins. I drink whiskey because it's delicious. Shirt is by Look Human.

Dear Sleeping In, I took you for granted in my 20's and early 30's. I never realized how sacred you were, and that you wouldn't last forever. I'm sorry for that. Now it's a luxury if I get to sleep in til 8 while my husband feeds the kids in the mornings on the weekends. But that's okay. This is the Era of Having Kids now. I'll pour out a bit of my 40 later on tonight in memory of you. Shirt is by Pebby Forevee.

personal & family goals for 2017

There's nothing like just getting over a nasty stomach flu to make you feel refreshed and ready to take on the new year, so I wanted to write down these thoughts and goals while they're still fresh in my head. When I wrote down my goals and intentions last year, I ended up doing nearly everything on my list (yay!), so I hope I can keep it going this year as well.

1// Live more minimally. That can mean a lot of different things, but for me, it means to buy less, use less, and the things I DO buy, buy with more intention. I've already kind of started the process in the past few months. Now that California has banned plastic bags from stores, I've started bringing my own re-usable shopping bags, and it feels good not to come home with 34343 plastic bags. Honestly, I should've started doing this ages ago. I'm also trying to be conscious of how much/what kind of toys I buy for my twins. They really don't need hordes of blinking, battery-powered toys to be happy, and there's lots of items already around the house that they can easily entertain themselves with. I also want to regularly go through their clothes and toys and purge the things they've outgrown.

2// Take better care of my skin. In general, I've been pretty lucky in the genes department when it comes to my skin (thanks Mom and Dad!). But as I'm getting older, I want to be more conscious of what products I'm putting on my skin, and take more proactive steps on keeping it healthier. A few months ago when my mother-in-law was visiting, she treated me to a belated birthday outing, and we went to a local spa where I got a facial and chemical peel for the first time. It was WONDERFUL, and I truly noticed a difference in the smoothness and glowy-ness of my face over the next month. My esthetician from that day also gave a few free samples of some products from Le Mieux, which I started using regularly. But I also know what I eat and drink has a huge impact on the health of my skin, so I want to work on that this year. More water, less caffeine (ughh, that's gonna be a hard one). More fruits and veggies when I crave snacks, less processed stuff.

3//  Mix up my workouts a bit. I've been going to barre classes for close to a year now, and while I love it, and have no plans on stopping, I really want to try some other classes in between, preferably dance-related. I've recently learned about Culture Shock Dance Center here in San Diego, and they have so many great classes that I'd love to try, from burlesque to hip hop.

4// Spend better quality time and communicate better with my husband. Sure, we manage to get out for a date night every now and then, but when we're both at home, especially on the weekends, we tend to snap at each other out of tiredness and stress. Which bums us both out, and makes us feel like shitty partners. We're usually quick to apologize to each other, but when it happens several times a week, something's gotta change. I know I personally need to work on holding my tongue when he's trying to explain something (I tend to interrupt him a lot), and just be more patient with him and cut him more slack.

5// Keep shooting. Film, digital, my twins, my friends, new places, familiar places. I realized the other day that I hardly used my film cameras at all last year, and I need to remedy that. I barely touched my Instax camera last year too, which is ridiculous, since it's so small and lightweight. And as always, I'd love to keep making more personal art for myself.

*Both photos are from a recent outing to Native Poppy

life lately + christmas!

Two blog posts in a month? I'm on a roll! But my horrible blogging consistently aside, here are some rad life things I've been a part of the past month:

// After a looong hiatus of not participating in any Collaborative Thread events (see: twins), I, along with a couple friends, went to their speed-dating-for-creatives event last month. It was hosted at the beautiful Moniker General store, and I loved the format because it forced me to talk to more than just two people (I'm so shy at these things). I met tons of awesome women in all different kinds of fields, and I even met a fellow Virginian :)

The girls I rolled with: Summer has her own personal chef business, and Leah of Tiger + Ox

// I'm one of those people who can only handle about two holiday parties during December, and then I just want to retreat under a blanket until the second week of January. But I'm really glad I went to my husband's work holiday party this year! I offered to take portraits at the event photobooth-style, and it. Was. A. Hit. My ambitious endeavor of gluing 600 sequins to foam boards totally paid off, and bonus: my sister-in-law was visiting too, so she attended the party with us! So I got to shoot lots of great portraits such as these:

// The twins' second Christmas! This time with all the wrapping paper and bows their little hearts could want! We didn't want to go too crazy with buying gifts this year, which was a good thing, since most of their presents came from two sets of very generous grandparents :)

I will never get tired of seeing cute kids in Christmas jammies :)

twin life // first haircut!

I caved. 

I had visions of not letting a pair of scissors touch my babes' heads for at least the first two years, but even I had to admit that, after 14 months, they desperately needed a good trim at least. I was constantly brushing their hair out of their eyes, so I told myself, "Okay. If I'm gonna do this, the only person I want to cut their hair is my girl Jennie."

She works at the lovely Lighthouse Salon in North Park, so my husband and I (and my mother-in-law who was visiting) brought Hazel and Vincent to their appointment, and I documented along the way.

This salon always has the prettiest things for sale, and on display.

Hazel poses for her "before" shot...

...and after!

Vincent's shaggy mess "before"...

...and all cleaned up!

They both handled it great! As long as they had a comb or a clip to play with, they just let Jennie do her thing. Super easy.

Selfie and portrait time!

Let the next 14 month's worth of hair growth begin!