personal work // ego sum

ego sum hortus

Unlike my previous projects (my 365, 52 weeks, etc) where I consciously set out to do a series of photos, this one wasn't born that way. This post is a bit difficult to write about; I usually try to keep things light and inspirational here in relation to my photography, but I also want to be open and honest with my readers. Real talk, if you will.

ego sum in flore

Earlier this year, I started taking fertility drugs to help me get pregnant. This was after quite a while of trying the old fashioned way. Months of ovulation tracking and becoming an expert on my cycle. Charting absolutely everything. I hated to admit that I needed help with something that seemed to come so naturally, so easily, for everyone else around me. That in itself was a struggle for me.

ego sum a vase

The mister and I had previously been tested/checked out for any conditions that would explain infertility, but nothing was found. We are both, by all accounts, healthy and should be able to conceive....so why weren't we? The doctors calls it "unexplained infertility" which sounds even worse somehow. All it did was make me feel broken, faulty. 

ego sum viscus et cruor 

I have to admit, all of this was putting me into a mini depression. Outwardly, I appeared fine to my friends and family (at least I think so). I still went out and did things. But social media started to feel toxic to me. I checked facebook less and less to avoid seeing photos of babies and pregnancy announcements. I had no desire to blog either, or to read other blogs that I was following. I even temporarily deleted mine, but thankfully, blogger was able to restore it when I came to my senses. 

ego symbiosis

So I think making these photos was my way of dealing with all the emotions of simultaneously feeling like a failure and trying to stay positive and hopeful. I think I wanted to merge myself with bits of nature and living things, maybe as a way to feel connected to something bigger than myself. In making these images, I think I wanted to celebrate my body as still something worthwhile and beautiful and useful. Still alive and breathing.

ego mulier

It feels really good to write these words out, to share what's been weighing on me. I've been in a much better place now for the past few months. Project Make-A-Baby is still underway, but I'm blogging again, shooting more, and I have some photography collaborations coming up that I'm really excited about. I'm feeling like me again.

ego sum silvis

current inspirations

Heart to Mouth High from bart hess 

1// This creepy/fantastic rubbery take on love (as seen above)

2// This made me laugh.

3// The peculiar and surreal photography of Yung Cheng Lin.

4// I'm not usually a fan of Bon Iver, but their new song for Zach Braff's new film might change my mind.

5// These embroidered landscapes are beautiful.

taming my mammoth

Sometimes you read something so profound, and at exactly the right time, that you wonder if isn't fate. Such a thing happened to me today, when a friend on facebook shared this insightful post: Taming the Mammoth:Why You Should Stop Caring What Other People Think.

As I read it, my internal voice was shouting, "YES! THIS!" It's something I've been thinking a lot about and struggling with in relation to my photography. And talk about timing; just last night, I uploaded a new image to my flickr, something I've been experimenting with for months, but was too afraid to share publicly. It's a new side to my work that I feel is deeply personal, but my own mammoth was holding me back; telling me it was too risky, and what would my friends and family think?

You can see the full image here on flickr (above is the cropped version, as it's NSFW at the link), and I wrote quite a bit along with the image. I'm still nervous as all hell that I'm actually sharing this, and I know it's something I'll continue to struggle with.

But it's a step for me, and a big one, taking me out of my comfortable little bubble, and into new territory.

a photoshop gif just for funsies

I made this gif of my recent 52 weeks photo's editing process really quickly in Photoshop. Apologies for the weird cropping issues!

No skulls were harmed in the making of this image :)