the shape of a mother

This is my post partum body.

For the past eight months, I've been struggling with this new version of myself. Some days, I feel rad and proud of what my body achieved: growing two tiny humans from scratch, and housing them safely for 35 weeks and two days. They were born healthy, and couldn't be more perfect. But then those other days. Days where I look in the mirror, and I don't recognize this soft, pliant belly. This stretched-out navel. Days where I touch my C-section scar and cringe, even though it was the only way to get my babies out safely. Days where I realized I'm still wearing my maternity jeans because they're the only ones that still fit me. Days where I feel and look like I've aged five years instead of 8 months, because holy cherries on a stick, these babes can run me ragged.

I'm still adjusting to motherhood, still finding my way. I expect this journey will continue for the rest of my life. I'm trying to find some kind of balance. I'm trying not to step on the scale so much, trying to forget what my pre-pregnant weight was. Why do I care so much about a number? I'm trying to eat moderately healthy, and that's hard too, when there's two babies who demand my attention for most of the day. But most of all, I'm trying to be kinder to myself, and do good things for my body and mind. I started taking barre classes three months ago, and it's been the biggest source of my confidence lately. There's just something about sweating it out while doing power squats and pliés in a room with other women (many of them mothers too) that makes me feel strong and beautiful. 

Even the act of taking these photos for this post was empowering. I hadn't done any kind of photography just for me in such a long time, and it felt strange but good to roll down my seamless backdrop and go through the motions of doing a simple self-portrait again. I've missed it. But the most surprising thing of all was when I looked at the photos I'd taken after uploading them to my computer. Instead of seeing a battered, stretch-marked body, the one I've been so negative about these past months, all I could see was a beautiful mother. A mother who is doing the best she can. A mother whose kids love to climb all over that soft, stretched-out belly. A mother who loves her kids so hard. A mother who is learning to love her body again.

shooting with film // palm springs, home, and tiny newborns

More 35mm film goodness that I shot last year, and finally got developed. All of these were shot with my dad's Canon A-1 that he graciously gave me a few years ago, which makes these photos even more precious to me.

The husband and I stayed at the Alcazar in Palm Springs last summer for a little "babymoon." I remember wanting to go before my twin bump got too large to really enjoy myself/walk around, and man, I was right on the cusp. We pretty much just hung out in the pool the whole time (which felt sooo good on my hugely pregnant body), and we even got some sweet professional massages by a company that will come straight to your room. This hotel was also a nice change of pace from the Ace Hotel that we stayed in during our last Palm Springs trip. Smaller, quieter, and we basically had the pool to ourselves. Not to mention our favorite breakfast spot, Cheeky's, was RIGHT NEXT DOOR. Yes please!

I CAN'T BELIEVE MY BABIES USED TO BE THIS SMALL. These photos feel like two blinks ago. Oh man. Back when all they did was sleep and eat all day. Easy street. Of course, at the time, it didn't feel easy at all. Sleep deprivation and post partum blues will do that to a new mother. But look at those tiny little faces. And Hazel's smile. I will cherish these photos forever.

I call that last one "Portrait of a Father of Newborn Twins." I wasn't the only one who was exhausted for four straight months. My husband is a rock star. Dadding like every dad should. He'll do it all - diaper changes, feedings, soothing, cleaning. And he'll STILL shoo me out the door so I can have some kid-free me time. He's a saint, and way too good for me.

Just random snaps from around my home. I was attempting to do some sort of one-photo-a-day project at the time, because it was the new year, and the babes were three months old, and I foolishly thought, "I can totally remember to do this every day!" Ha. Ha ha. But still. It was nice to get a few simple shots like these.

shooting with film // yosemite, julian & san diego

One of my favorite things about shooting with any of my non-digital cameras is picking up my developed prints from the print shop, opening the package, and seeing the first frame of the first roll. And remembering all over again where I was when I shot it, because it's been so long. That's something you just can't get from a digital camera, that rush of memories that floods your brain while you hold the actual print in your hands. It's so, so good.

Here's a few of my favorites from the first roll.

I was in Yosemite with these lovely ladies nearly two years ago, and I remember it like it was only last month. Golden light, hiking to a dried up lake, attempting to make scrambled eggs over open flame. I remember being covered in dust, and seeing lots of deer, and feeling very very small. In a good way.

Some friends and I took a day trip to Julian so shop, wine-taste, and eat apple pie. It was either late 2014 or early 2015. We made a pit stop at the Nickel Beer Company, which I'd never heard of before, but our friends knew about it (a bonus of having beer industry friends). I remember it felt small but rustic. And the beer was good. I've been to Julian a few times, and I love its charming, small-town feel. Visiting The Old Well was new for me though. A cute little vintage and record shop with its original well right in the middle of the store. I remember the drive back to San Diego as the sun was lowering in the sky, and how beautiful it looked, and how happy I felt in that moment.

Photo walks with photografriends is one of my favorite things to do around town. My friend Matt and I went to the suspension bridge in Bankers Hill and just walked around the neighborhood. I remember this was before I started the whole IVF process, and while we were on the bridge, I vented my frustrations about my fertility journey thus far. I felt so defeated. I had no idea that in just a few months, I would be pregnant. Life has a funny way of working out sometimes.

More film photos in my next post! :)