the family photos that I usually don't see

I remember last year, when the babes were around 6 months old, I made a facebook post lamenting that I've got tons and tons of photos of just the twins, and the twins with their dad, but very little of the twins with me, their mom. Hashtag photographer mom problems. I was being cheeky at the time, but every now and then, it kinda bums me out. My husband DOES take photos of me with the kids, but not very often, and usually not unless I ask him to. However, over the past year, I've been (not so subtly) encouraging him to take more photos of me with my babes, especially during candid moments where I may not even notice he's taking a photo.

Good news: he's actually been doing it! But he's not the sort of person to share a billion family photos on facebook, so, short of bogarting his phone, I don't usually see the photos he ends up taking.

So today, I sent him this text.

God bless this man. I texted him while he was at work, so I was fully prepared to not get a reply for a couple hours, but he replied and sent a bunch of photos within five minutes! So I wanted to share some of them. I'm also including a few that he took of the just the babes, because he takes some pretty funny shots sometimes (I also just wanna reminisce over how tiny they used to be!)

The day they were born! Hazel on the left, Vince on the right. Look how itty bitty they were! It still blows my mind that these nuggets were inside me for eight months. Just renting out my uterus like an extended stay AirBnB. I'm pretty sure I was off recovering from my having my abdomen sliced open while Vince took this photo. I remember telling him, "Go be with the babies. Take lots of photos."

Hazel does NOT look super stoked to be living out of her warm, weightless AirBnB. I don't blame her. We were both kind of traumatized that day. I was so relieved to not be pregnant anymore, but at the same time, my brain was going, "Holy shit holy shit holy shit they're here and it's getting real now!" I couldn't stop staring at her face though. Every feature was so damn tiny.

I totally remember this photo being taken. It was the day we brought Vince home after nine days in the NICU, and I'll be totally honest: I was pretty terrified. Up until then, we just had Hazel at home, so while things were still scary and new, it felt manageable with just one baby. Coming home with two babies though: HOLD ON TO YOUR BUTTS.

Only like five days old, and my husband managed to capture Hazel's first accidental "F U" to the world. I can't wait to show this to her when she's a sullen angsty teenager and be all "You're not fazing me, I was prepared for this from the minute I brought you home."

Family photo! Okay, so technically, my dad took this photo, but I still wanted to include this one. How in the world does my husband look so awake and refreshed even though we were both doing night feedings?? Oh yeah, cause he wasn't the one recovering from abdominal surgery, having to wear mesh underwear for a still-bleeding vagina, and trying to pump liquid gold out of one's breasts. But I still love this photo, bags-under-my-eyes and all. And again: look how tiny they were!

I don't remember this at all, but I'm getting a kick out of Vince's skinny legs with big 'ole feet. And that was Hazel's favorite spot for many many months, just right there on my chest. I'm also noticing right now my cute little Spanish plates and bowls on the bar cart in the background, and how I miss having them there, since I had to move them once the loinfruits became mobile. I feel like 70% of parenting is regularly asking yourself "Okay, what things in my house can now hurt and/or kill my kids?"

Aww, Vince still lookin tiny in his Bjorn chair. By the way, I love those bouncy chairs so much. The babes are still using them now at 20 months. Every morning and night, I plop them in their chairs for their milk feedings, and they're happy as can be. Also, lurking cat is lurking in the background. This is still, 20 months in, her preferred distance to the kids.

Ah, this was the day I got my husband to help me take my "34 weeks out" photo to compare to my "34 weeks in" photo (You can see the side-by-side here!) Trying to successfully hold two wriggly seven month old babies so that they're both facing the camera at the same time is super hard, you guys. And they're heavy, which is why I think I'm taking a breather in this photo. Plus side of having twins: my arms have never been stronger!

Just a stroller walk around the neighborhood. Before we got our fancy Britax double stroller, we used two separate hand-me-down single strollers from friends to take our babes for walks. Giving the twins a taste of that single-stroller life before we forced them to sit side by side. Also giving me a taste of that singleton baby life; "I only have to push one baby around? This is NICE!"

I don't remember what was happening here, but Vince probably told me I should try to hold both babies for a photo, since I rarely hold both babies at once unless I'm trying to cross a moat of lava by myself with both babies sans stroller.

I just really like Hazel's pose and expression here. I have nothing funny or meaningful to add.

My first reaction to seeing this was, "No, I can't share this, I look awful!" But then I remember every time I would look at a photo of my mom from when she was younger and I was a baby/small child, and if I showed it to her, she would usually remark that she didn't look good in that photo, and I'd always reply, "No, you look beautiful!" Because she does look beautiful to me, and still does. And I hope in the future, my kids will look at these photos of their bare-faced, tired but happy mother, and not have to convince me I looked pretty alright.

Reason #495 my husband loves bath time: he gets to play avant-garde hair stylist with the babes. I'm not even mad.

I was either about to go to my barre class, or I had just gotten back. They can always tell when I'm about to leave the house, and they either get super clingy, or just start whining. It's probably because I suddenly appear wearing different clothes and my hair's down (it's forever up in a ponytail or bun at home), or maybe they have some weird toddler sixth sense. It's probably both.

This was just taken on Mother's Day! We were at Balboa Park with some friends and their kids, and my husband wanted to get one of just me with Hazel and Vince. I had to basically chase them up the hill to get them, and, as they've proven since they both started walking, they were both going in two completely different directions. I love this photo. Whenever I see current photos of my kids, I still always think, "Are they really that big?!" Cause they don't seem that big when I'm playing with them/feeding them/putting them in their cribs day in and day out. In a way, they still feel like little babies to me. So these photos are a nice jolt of reality.

Sorry/not sorry for the overload of baby photos. But I've been wanting to do a post like this for a while. It's nice to share some images on my blog that weren't taken by me in perfect lighting, and weren't carefully edited and cropped and so forth. Because these types of photos are just as important and valuable too. At least to me.

motherhood lately

My twin babes are nearly 18 months old, and I know I keep saying this at every new stage, but this is seriously the best age! They're full-on toddlers, even though I still call them my babies, and most likely will even when they have children of their own and I'm arthritic with a cane.

Every day, Hazel and Vincent are learning and discovering and taking joy in the tiniest things, and it's such a damn joy to watch. Vincent will bring me books to read to him, and he'll babble his thoughts with every turn of the page. He loves to stack his building blocks, and even claps when he's particularly proud of his technique. Hazel is the first to explore every last inch of her surroundings, including every blade of grass and all the sticks within reach. She reminds me that even in my humble backyard, there's so many different things to touch and discover.

They both love to watch Sesame Street, particularly Elmo and the Cookie Monster. They light up whenever we Facetime with my parents and in-laws. They want to be friends with the resident cat so bad, despite her obvious disdain of these tiny humans I brought into the house. They bop along in their highchairs to music that I play everyday during lunch time, and Hazel apparently is a Talking Heads fan. They'll happily eat kimchi and seaweed and fried rice, but if I had a nickel for every time Vincent willingly ate plain grilled chicken, I'd have like 15 cents (thanks Korean genes!).

I feel like so many internet articles claim that anyone who admits to enjoy parenting is a liar, or that if you're not completely miserable during the first year of your child's life, you're not human. Yes, YES, the first year was hard for me, particularly the first 4-6 months. I was in survival mode, and I dealt with post-partum depression, and just everything times two. But I feel it's just as important to share the joyous/holy-shit-my-kids-are-awesome stories, because it's honest and real. My babes never had any "sleep regressions." They sleep 12 hours a night. They love car rides and being in their stroller and just being anywhere new. They're generally happy babies, and I hate that I feel guilty admitting that, as if that's something "you don't do" in the mom community. I've been watching the new season of Girls on HBO, and there was a line from a recent episode where a woman was telling Hannah about what it was like having a kid, and she said, "Kids are easy. It's being an adult that's hard." And that was so refreshing to hear, even in just a fictional TV show.

My kids aren't even two years old yet, and I still feel like I'm supposed to wait for the ball to drop. For shit to get REAL AWFUL. "Terrible Two's" and "Threen-ager." Meanwhile, I'm just excited for when I can have a two-way conversation with my kids, and they can say the actual sentence, "Mama, I'm tired." Sure, they might morph into little assholes sometimes, but isn't that true of every stage of human life? I definitely remember calling my twins assholes in the early months of life, when they projectile-shat onto the walls and carpet of their nursery, or when, at 8 months old, they tossed perfectly good spaghetti onto the floor from their highchair without even trying it. They still have their asshole moments right now, like when Vincent has a tantrum because I won't turn on the vacuum cleaner (he's obsessed with watching me clean), or when I'm trying to change Hazel's diaper but she hates having her vagina clean for some reason (she does this jerky yoga bridge move, and I'm just like WHY? YOU WANT A CLEAN VAGINA OK JUST TRUST ME ON THIS).

I love being their mom. I love watching them grow. I hate that I cry at everything - commercials, Disney songs, Youtube clips. The other day, the babes were listening to a playlist of Disney songs on the Kindle, and when "You Got A Friend In Me" from Toy Story started playing, it reminded me that in the third Toy Story movie, the kid is grown up and about to leave for college, which reminded me that one day my kids are gonna leave the nest some day, and I proceeded to get weepy and hug my kids extra hard. Every time Vincent and Hazel hug me, I think, "SOAK. THIS. UP. ONE DAY THEY'LL BE EMBARRASSED TO HUG YOU."

So yeah. This is my life right now when it comes to my kids. I love them, and I constantly want to brag on them, and yes, I'm still tired, cause kids are tiring, but they're keeping me young, and active, and they make me see the world through fresh eyes. I feel so lucky to be their mom. And so I shall leave you with a recent video from earlier today. Just two silly kids doing their own thing in their backyard, which usually involves eating my plants and trying to touch things.

personal & family goals for 2017

There's nothing like just getting over a nasty stomach flu to make you feel refreshed and ready to take on the new year, so I wanted to write down these thoughts and goals while they're still fresh in my head. When I wrote down my goals and intentions last year, I ended up doing nearly everything on my list (yay!), so I hope I can keep it going this year as well.

1// Live more minimally. That can mean a lot of different things, but for me, it means to buy less, use less, and the things I DO buy, buy with more intention. I've already kind of started the process in the past few months. Now that California has banned plastic bags from stores, I've started bringing my own re-usable shopping bags, and it feels good not to come home with 34343 plastic bags. Honestly, I should've started doing this ages ago. I'm also trying to be conscious of how much/what kind of toys I buy for my twins. They really don't need hordes of blinking, battery-powered toys to be happy, and there's lots of items already around the house that they can easily entertain themselves with. I also want to regularly go through their clothes and toys and purge the things they've outgrown.

2// Take better care of my skin. In general, I've been pretty lucky in the genes department when it comes to my skin (thanks Mom and Dad!). But as I'm getting older, I want to be more conscious of what products I'm putting on my skin, and take more proactive steps on keeping it healthier. A few months ago when my mother-in-law was visiting, she treated me to a belated birthday outing, and we went to a local spa where I got a facial and chemical peel for the first time. It was WONDERFUL, and I truly noticed a difference in the smoothness and glowy-ness of my face over the next month. My esthetician from that day also gave a few free samples of some products from Le Mieux, which I started using regularly. But I also know what I eat and drink has a huge impact on the health of my skin, so I want to work on that this year. More water, less caffeine (ughh, that's gonna be a hard one). More fruits and veggies when I crave snacks, less processed stuff.

3//  Mix up my workouts a bit. I've been going to barre classes for close to a year now, and while I love it, and have no plans on stopping, I really want to try some other classes in between, preferably dance-related. I've recently learned about Culture Shock Dance Center here in San Diego, and they have so many great classes that I'd love to try, from burlesque to hip hop.

4// Spend better quality time and communicate better with my husband. Sure, we manage to get out for a date night every now and then, but when we're both at home, especially on the weekends, we tend to snap at each other out of tiredness and stress. Which bums us both out, and makes us feel like shitty partners. We're usually quick to apologize to each other, but when it happens several times a week, something's gotta change. I know I personally need to work on holding my tongue when he's trying to explain something (I tend to interrupt him a lot), and just be more patient with him and cut him more slack.

5// Keep shooting. Film, digital, my twins, my friends, new places, familiar places. I realized the other day that I hardly used my film cameras at all last year, and I need to remedy that. I barely touched my Instax camera last year too, which is ridiculous, since it's so small and lightweight. And as always, I'd love to keep making more personal art for myself.

*Both photos are from a recent outing to Native Poppy

personal work // 36

Today, I am 36.

While my mother was visiting last month, we had a really great conversation about aging and what it feels like getting older. We laughed, but also lamented on how tragic it feels that our bodies seem to age quicker than our minds. That the sharpness and vitality of our brains doesn't match up to the never-ending gray hairs, the age spots that have creeped over our skin, and our slowly diminishing energy.

We revealed to each other the "true age" we feel inside, despite the number of years we've been on this earth. My magic number is 28. My mind feels 28, and my body generally feels 28 until I look really closely.

I know I'm still relatively young. I hope I'm still saying that when I'm 70 years old, and my mind feels 55.

I'm not sure what to call this post...

I haven't been sure of what to write about lately. I thought about writing something funny like, "Things Strangers Have Said To Me When They See My Twins" or something practical like "Five Baby Products I Didn't Really Need" but it seems like those kind of posts are all over the internet already, and does the world really need another one? I don't know.

Or maybe something deeper and more honest, like "My Husband Has Been Working Really Long Hours Lately And I Never See Him And I'm Eyeball-Deep In Babies." Which is actually true. I'm so very tired. Not tired in the sense that I'm getting no sleep, because I actually am (they still sleep through the night which is amazing and a blessing and I need to knock on some wood  now), but tired from just being needed by two squishy 10 month olds all day long, for multiple days in a row. I'm not complaining about this, I'm just writing about what my life is like right now.

I hate the term "stay-at-home mom" because it doesn't feel accurate. It's more like "work-at-home mom." Because that's what I do, and I'm proud of it. Taking care of children at any age is WORK. Caring for twins by myself while keeping my home at an acceptable level of cleanliness is WORK. Letting my home get dirty while attending to my twins is still WORK. And sometimes ignoring my twins so I can clean my house is also WORK. And in between all that, I try to carve out some time for myself, and spend quality time with my husband, and call my parents on a regular basis, and hang out with friends to talk about everything BUT babies.

My life is full, but I love how full and (sometimes) chaotic it is. Over these months, I've surprised myself by how much I can handle and how my confidence has grown. I remember a time when the thought of going out with my babies in public by myself terrified me, but I've proven to myself that I can do that, and so much more. Like most things, it becomes less and less scary the more often you do them. Not to mention routines and being organized is half the battle when it comes to twins. The diaper bag is always ready, and the babies eat and sleep at the same times. My OCD tendencies have really come in handy for motherhood.

When a stranger says to me, "Must be a handful!" upon learning I have twins, I never know quite how to respond. Since these are my first babies, I don't know any other way. This is just my normal. I have two babies, but I also have two hands; what could be more natural? My husband and I joke that if we had just one baby, we'd have so much free time! The things we could do! But I know everything is relative. I wouldn't change a thing.

The next few weeks will continue to test my stamina while my husband puts in more time at work. But the plus side to all of it: more twin cuddles, more twin laughter, more opportunities to take them out to the park, or a store, or walks around the neighborhood. More time getting to be their mom. More time to love them so hard, and so fiercely.

A little video I made the other day using my fancy camera :)

the shape of a mother

This is my post partum body.

For the past eight months, I've been struggling with this new version of myself. Some days, I feel rad and proud of what my body achieved: growing two tiny humans from scratch, and housing them safely for 35 weeks and two days. They were born healthy, and couldn't be more perfect. But then those other days. Days where I look in the mirror, and I don't recognize this soft, pliant belly. This stretched-out navel. Days where I touch my C-section scar and cringe, even though it was the only way to get my babies out safely. Days where I realized I'm still wearing my maternity jeans because they're the only ones that still fit me. Days where I feel and look like I've aged five years instead of 8 months, because holy cherries on a stick, these babes can run me ragged.

I'm still adjusting to motherhood, still finding my way. I expect this journey will continue for the rest of my life. I'm trying to find some kind of balance. I'm trying not to step on the scale so much, trying to forget what my pre-pregnant weight was. Why do I care so much about a number? I'm trying to eat moderately healthy, and that's hard too, when there's two babies who demand my attention for most of the day. But most of all, I'm trying to be kinder to myself, and do good things for my body and mind. I started taking barre classes three months ago, and it's been the biggest source of my confidence lately. There's just something about sweating it out while doing power squats and pliés in a room with other women (many of them mothers too) that makes me feel strong and beautiful. 

Even the act of taking these photos for this post was empowering. I hadn't done any kind of photography just for me in such a long time, and it felt strange but good to roll down my seamless backdrop and go through the motions of doing a simple self-portrait again. I've missed it. But the most surprising thing of all was when I looked at the photos I'd taken after uploading them to my computer. Instead of seeing a battered, stretch-marked body, the one I've been so negative about these past months, all I could see was a beautiful mother. A mother who is doing the best she can. A mother whose kids love to climb all over that soft, stretched-out belly. A mother who loves her kids so hard. A mother who is learning to love her body again.

a sampling of mom-of-7-month-old-twins thoughts

// This age is seriously light years better and more fun than when they were sleepy newborns. The giggles! The personalities!

// The poops though. Jesus Christ, the poops.

// This photo, for the rest of my life:

// It's like I have twin parent radar now. If we see each other out in public, we smile and acknowledge each other like motorcycle guys do on the road.

// Trying to feed Hazel pureed food = SHITSHOW.

// Hearing them laugh at each other warms my cold, cynical heart.

// Me on the floor = human fort for Vince to climb.

// Just saw the word "Mom-iform" in an article, and I wanna throw up a little.

// Vincent's relationship with the cat is pretty much this:

// I hate baby-proofing. Can I just super-glue everything down and put a helmet on them?

personal & family goals for 2016

Most people make a bunch of new year resolutions during the first month of the year, but I'm gonna be the weird one and wait until nearly the end of February to think about what I want to achieve this year. Last year was nuts in the best way possible. It was the year of starting a round of IVF for the first time, and successfully getting pregnant with not one, but  TWO babies. It was the year of being pregnant for most of the year, which, I'm not gonna lie, was pretty miserable physically. It was the year that my boy/girl twin babes were born two weeks early, and my life changed forever.

Now that my babies are nearly five months old, I feel that my husband and I are finally getting in the swing of this new family life. We have routines that work for us, and we're staying relatively sane. We still go out with friends occasionally, and we allow each other to have our respective and much-needed "me time." It's great, but I don't want it to end there. There's still so much I want to do and try as a family of four. And personal goals too.

1// Go on at least one roadtrip/weekend getaway with the twins. Even if it's just to Palm Springs for two nights, I really want to try. Before the babies, Vince and I took so many great little getaways, not just here in California, but in Europe too, where we lived before. We both love traveling so much, and I don't want that to end just because we have two little ones. Sure, they're not going to remember if we take them to Cabazon or Yosemite, but it will still be FUN. And years later, they can look at the photos and know that we didn't keep them cooped up inside ALL the time :)

2// Meet and socialize with more moms of twins. This is gonna be hard for me. I'm an introvert by nature, so it's not always easy for me to meet/make new friends. And even though I have some amazing friends here, I don't have very many mom friends, let alone mom-of-twins friends. So I want to work on that. I've joined a Mom of Multiples meetup group on Meetup.com, but I've yet to attend a playdate/meeting. It was easy to put off in the beginning, when the twins were just born and I was in the trenches of just trying to survive, but now I feel like it's time to muster my courage and just go to a meetup. I also know there's a San Diego Twins Club that I can join and use as a support system/socialization tool, so I need to take advantage of that too.

3// Start reading again. Books, I miss you. That was one of the few great things about being pregnant...I had time to read A LOT of books. Now, not so much. Must. Remedy. Even if it's just ten minutes a day while the babes are napping.

4// Start some easy photography projects. So at the beginning of the year, I was all, "Hey! I'm gonna do a film photography project where I take one photo a day for the entire year on my dad's old camera!" Yeah, that lasted about two weeks. Obviously, I need a photo project that's a bit more do-able and less pressure. Or even just continuing my blended portraits series. That would make me happy.

5// Learn a new craft, like tapestry weaving. I actually wanted to start trying this last year while I was pregnant, but I just never got started. Lately, I've been really drawn to woven wall hangings like this one and this one, and I'd love to try making my own, either through a macrame workshop here in San Diego, or just buying a simple starter kit.

dear vincent

Dear Vincent,

It's amazing that the first photo I have of you is a microscopic image of an embryo. A clump of five cells that kept growing, and growing. And when you were born 40 seconds after Hazel, you were all spindly arms and legs. I was scared and anxious when you had to stay in the NICU longer than your sister, and on the day we brought you home, I was relieved, but terrified. Could I really do this?

My baby boy. You look so much like your daddy. He thinks you might end up with red hair, which runs in his family. I'm not so sure, but you are perfect in every way.

You're so curious, so strong. You started lifting your head when it seemed way too early for you to do so, and you eat with an eagerness that I know all too well from living with your dad. I know the ticklish spots on your chest, and I know your different cries.

I love watching you play on the floor mat. I love it when you recognize my face and smile. I don't love that you've quickly outgrown your newborn and three month-sized clothing, but that's okay. You're sprouting before my very eyes, and I'm trying to relish it all while I can.

I can't wait to see the person you'll become. I hope that I can show you how to be brave, be honest, and to crave adventure.

You are my adventure. I will always love you.

dear hazel

Dear Hazel,

 When the doctors pulled you out of my body, you cried louder than I expected, and I wept. You weighed four pounds and 10 ounces. That number sounded impossibly small. You spent only two days in the NICU, my strong little girl. You were ready to come home, ready for the world.

We kept you bundled and swaddled nearly all the time, afraid you would get too cold. You slept and you ate, and we held you and rocked you, hoping we were doing things right, simultaneously scared and thrilled that we were finally parents. Your parents.

I love that I can see bits of your grandparents in your face. I love your tiny feet. I love how you always stretch your arms above your head when you wake up.

You have your dad completely smitten for you. He called you his Hazel-bug the first day we brought you home, and he hasn't stopped since. He plays guitar for you, and he wants to read everything to you, from Calvin & Hobbes to Lord of the Rings.

I love watching you grow. The first time I got you to smile at me, I melted. I can't wait to witness your first wobbly steps, and the faces you're bound to make when you try new foods.

You won't stay little forever, and that's okay. You will grow into a beautiful human being with your own hopes and dreams. But I will always be your mother.

I will always love you.