6:30 am thoughts

I'm writing this at 6:30 in the morning, because I had a horrible night's sleep, and I woke up in physical and emotional pain. I had an awful dream that I thought I was losing part or all of my babies. Something felt wrong. Something was trying to come out of my body much, much too early.

I haven't been sleeping well for the past several days. Even with my enormous 'pregnancy pillow,' this massive U-shaped thing that was so helpful when I first got it, doesn't seem to help with all these new aches that I'm waking up with. It feels like a burden. This morning I wanted to stab it violently.

Up until now, I've had the normal pains and uncomfortable-ness that comes along with pregnancy, and I've dealt with it pretty okay, and then the posterior pelvic pain (aka pelvic girdle pain) came along as if to say, "Since you've had a fairly easy pregnancy so far, let's show you how much it can fucking suck." And it did. And walking from the living room to my bedroom felt like it took an hour, with every painful step. I popped Tylenol all day yesterday for it, which only helped so much. And then I felt guilty for taking medication, even though I know rationally that Tylenol is safe to use during pregnancy. Some twisted part of my brain feels that I deserve to feel every sharp stabbing pain, every cramp, every inconvenience, because I wanted this. I wanted this pregnancy so badly, did everything I could to achieve it. 

As I write this, our guest room that will become the nursery has yet to be cleared. Still unpainted. The only piece of furniture we bought so far is the rocker. I feel so horribly behind. We need to have a yard sale. I feel like the entire house is filthy and needs a professional cleaning. I feel like we're losing time. The only upside so far is that I've become obsessed with throwing out all the boxes and paper trash we've accumulated over the past four years. Why am I hoarding all this tissue paper? Do I really need 23 gift bags? It's a slow start, but it's a start.

 My husband has been my rock through all of this. So supportive, so willing to do anything to make me feel better. But he doesn't always see me when I break down in tears. I try to keep that from him. He has so many of his own fears and uncertainty about impending fatherhood, and we talk about it together. He's being so strong for me, and I'm trying to be strong for him too.

I know this is all temporary. I know this won't last forever. I'm halfway through this pregnancy, and I just need to push through. My babies are so worth every single physical pain. Whenever I feel their tiny bodies kick from the inside, my heart swells and everything becomes more bearable. They are going to keep growing, and they need me to be strong.

I will be strong for them.

photo taken at 19 weeks, © Lisa Kimberly

bits of life // may

1// A few months ago, some of my girlfriends and I decided that we should get together at least once a month and do something crafty/DIY-able. It would be a good way to hang out/catch up/bonding time, and we'd also be able to fiiiinally put our Pinterest DIY posts to use instead of being just pinned and lonely, never to be made. Our first group outing was a Rais Case workshop where we made our own dreamcatchers, and it was super fun. We finally got around to setting up our second craft event, this time at my house, and we decided we'd try this awesome yarn and eucalyptus wall hanging DIY from the fantastic blog Poppytalk (seriously, it's like DIY porn on that blog). It was ridiculously easy to make, and it came out so beautiful and minimal. I might put it in the twins' nursery, or just leave it in my bedroom where it is now. I haven't decided yet.

2// Fun outings with friends! It's crazy to think this will be our last summer sans children, so we're taking advantage as much as we can. Like bonfiring on Mission Bay, something we'd actually never done our whole time in San Diego thus far. And catching a Padres game with 30+ friends in the Picnic Terrace area. I don't even care for baseball that much, but who cares when your ticket includes all-you-can-eat burgers, dogs, snacks, and drinks? Sign me up, said every pregnant lady ever.

3// The mister and I decided during my 16th week that we couldn't wait any longer to find out the sexes of the babies, so we made an appointment at one of those 4D ultrasound clinics for the very next day. I was nervous that my loinfruits wouldn't be in a good position to view their bits, or that we'd have an awful tech who didn't know what she/he was doing (some of their Yelp reviews weren't too comforting), but we couldn't have gotten a better experience. Our ultrasound tech couldn't have been nicer, positive, or more competent. As soon as she looked at each baby's nether regions, she pointed out right away what she saw. The verdict: Baby A is a girl, and Baby B is a boy! So stoked! We bought these onesies the next day at one of our fave shops, Graffiti Beach, and I can't wait to put them on their tiny bodies.

4// This was taken just a few days ago, at 17 weeks 3 days pregnant. Holy mother of belly. In just three short weeks, I went from "She probably eats a lot of tacos" to "There's definitely at least one baby in there." These babes are growing fast. And I'm definitely feeling it. Lots of lower back pain, round ligament pain that keeps my vocabulary quite colorful, and getting a good night's sleep is impossible. The mister likes to affectionately call me "preggersaurus" and I don't even mind, cause it's true. I'm always waddling, shuffling, grunting with certain movements, and I'm hungry every two hours. Sexy stuff, right?