6:30 am thoughts

I'm writing this at 6:30 in the morning, because I had a horrible night's sleep, and I woke up in physical and emotional pain. I had an awful dream that I thought I was losing part or all of my babies. Something felt wrong. Something was trying to come out of my body much, much too early.

I haven't been sleeping well for the past several days. Even with my enormous 'pregnancy pillow,' this massive U-shaped thing that was so helpful when I first got it, doesn't seem to help with all these new aches that I'm waking up with. It feels like a burden. This morning I wanted to stab it violently.

Up until now, I've had the normal pains and uncomfortable-ness that comes along with pregnancy, and I've dealt with it pretty okay, and then the posterior pelvic pain (aka pelvic girdle pain) came along as if to say, "Since you've had a fairly easy pregnancy so far, let's show you how much it can fucking suck." And it did. And walking from the living room to my bedroom felt like it took an hour, with every painful step. I popped Tylenol all day yesterday for it, which only helped so much. And then I felt guilty for taking medication, even though I know rationally that Tylenol is safe to use during pregnancy. Some twisted part of my brain feels that I deserve to feel every sharp stabbing pain, every cramp, every inconvenience, because I wanted this. I wanted this pregnancy so badly, did everything I could to achieve it. 

As I write this, our guest room that will become the nursery has yet to be cleared. Still unpainted. The only piece of furniture we bought so far is the rocker. I feel so horribly behind. We need to have a yard sale. I feel like the entire house is filthy and needs a professional cleaning. I feel like we're losing time. The only upside so far is that I've become obsessed with throwing out all the boxes and paper trash we've accumulated over the past four years. Why am I hoarding all this tissue paper? Do I really need 23 gift bags? It's a slow start, but it's a start.

 My husband has been my rock through all of this. So supportive, so willing to do anything to make me feel better. But he doesn't always see me when I break down in tears. I try to keep that from him. He has so many of his own fears and uncertainty about impending fatherhood, and we talk about it together. He's being so strong for me, and I'm trying to be strong for him too.

I know this is all temporary. I know this won't last forever. I'm halfway through this pregnancy, and I just need to push through. My babies are so worth every single physical pain. Whenever I feel their tiny bodies kick from the inside, my heart swells and everything becomes more bearable. They are going to keep growing, and they need me to be strong.

I will be strong for them.

photo taken at 19 weeks, © Lisa Kimberly