personal work // ego sum

ego sum hortus

Unlike my previous projects (my 365, 52 weeks, etc) where I consciously set out to do a series of photos, this one wasn't born that way. This post is a bit difficult to write about; I usually try to keep things light and inspirational here in relation to my photography, but I also want to be open and honest with my readers. Real talk, if you will.

ego sum in flore

Earlier this year, I started taking fertility drugs to help me get pregnant. This was after quite a while of trying the old fashioned way. Months of ovulation tracking and becoming an expert on my cycle. Charting absolutely everything. I hated to admit that I needed help with something that seemed to come so naturally, so easily, for everyone else around me. That in itself was a struggle for me.

ego sum a vase

The mister and I had previously been tested/checked out for any conditions that would explain infertility, but nothing was found. We are both, by all accounts, healthy and should be able to conceive....so why weren't we? The doctors calls it "unexplained infertility" which sounds even worse somehow. All it did was make me feel broken, faulty. 

ego sum viscus et cruor 

I have to admit, all of this was putting me into a mini depression. Outwardly, I appeared fine to my friends and family (at least I think so). I still went out and did things. But social media started to feel toxic to me. I checked facebook less and less to avoid seeing photos of babies and pregnancy announcements. I had no desire to blog either, or to read other blogs that I was following. I even temporarily deleted mine, but thankfully, blogger was able to restore it when I came to my senses. 

ego symbiosis

So I think making these photos was my way of dealing with all the emotions of simultaneously feeling like a failure and trying to stay positive and hopeful. I think I wanted to merge myself with bits of nature and living things, maybe as a way to feel connected to something bigger than myself. In making these images, I think I wanted to celebrate my body as still something worthwhile and beautiful and useful. Still alive and breathing.

ego mulier

It feels really good to write these words out, to share what's been weighing on me. I've been in a much better place now for the past few months. Project Make-A-Baby is still underway, but I'm blogging again, shooting more, and I have some photography collaborations coming up that I'm really excited about. I'm feeling like me again.

ego sum silvis