music // let's booty barre

I've been taking barre classes for the past six months, and I've never been this addicted to working out before. I've taken yoga in the past, and salsa aerobics, but never with the same consistency and excitement that barre has given me. Plus, hearing those old familiar ballet terms (I practiced ballet for several years growing up) like relevé and plié gives me the nostalgic happy feels. I like that my barre instructors also incorporate pilates, yoga, and cardio into the workouts. So we're not just toning our legs and booty; we're giving our core and arms a workout too.

Also, it's been making my butt look realllly good :)

I wanted to put together a little playlist of some of the jams I listen to while I'm driving to class, to get myself stoked. Enjoy with a round of squats.

1. Girl Talk // Bounce That

2. Jay Z // F*ckwithmeyouknowigotit

3. Fannypack // Hey Mami

4. Touch Face // Kick, Push N' Stuff (Lupe Fiasco vs Deadmau5)

5. Kstylis // Booty Me Down

6. ComaR // Give Heat Up (Twista & Pharrell vs Phoenix)

7. Missy Elliott // WTF (Where They From)

8. Theophilus London // Big Spender Ft. ASAP

9. Junglepussy // Bling Bling

10. D.veloped // Bring Em Home (Edward Sharpe vs T.I.)

I'm not sure what to call this post...

I haven't been sure of what to write about lately. I thought about writing something funny like, "Things Strangers Have Said To Me When They See My Twins" or something practical like "Five Baby Products I Didn't Really Need" but it seems like those kind of posts are all over the internet already, and does the world really need another one? I don't know.

Or maybe something deeper and more honest, like "My Husband Has Been Working Really Long Hours Lately And I Never See Him And I'm Eyeball-Deep In Babies." Which is actually true. I'm so very tired. Not tired in the sense that I'm getting no sleep, because I actually am (they still sleep through the night which is amazing and a blessing and I need to knock on some wood  now), but tired from just being needed by two squishy 10 month olds all day long, for multiple days in a row. I'm not complaining about this, I'm just writing about what my life is like right now.

I hate the term "stay-at-home mom" because it doesn't feel accurate. It's more like "work-at-home mom." Because that's what I do, and I'm proud of it. Taking care of children at any age is WORK. Caring for twins by myself while keeping my home at an acceptable level of cleanliness is WORK. Letting my home get dirty while attending to my twins is still WORK. And sometimes ignoring my twins so I can clean my house is also WORK. And in between all that, I try to carve out some time for myself, and spend quality time with my husband, and call my parents on a regular basis, and hang out with friends to talk about everything BUT babies.

My life is full, but I love how full and (sometimes) chaotic it is. Over these months, I've surprised myself by how much I can handle and how my confidence has grown. I remember a time when the thought of going out with my babies in public by myself terrified me, but I've proven to myself that I can do that, and so much more. Like most things, it becomes less and less scary the more often you do them. Not to mention routines and being organized is half the battle when it comes to twins. The diaper bag is always ready, and the babies eat and sleep at the same times. My OCD tendencies have really come in handy for motherhood.

When a stranger says to me, "Must be a handful!" upon learning I have twins, I never know quite how to respond. Since these are my first babies, I don't know any other way. This is just my normal. I have two babies, but I also have two hands; what could be more natural? My husband and I joke that if we had just one baby, we'd have so much free time! The things we could do! But I know everything is relative. I wouldn't change a thing.

The next few weeks will continue to test my stamina while my husband puts in more time at work. But the plus side to all of it: more twin cuddles, more twin laughter, more opportunities to take them out to the park, or a store, or walks around the neighborhood. More time getting to be their mom. More time to love them so hard, and so fiercely.

A little video I made the other day using my fancy camera :)

weekend getaway // the sycamore house

It was time, ya'll. The mister and I hadn't been out of San Diego since last summer for our babymoon. We've been elbow-deep in babies and work for what seems like forever. We needed to get out of dodge desperately, even for only a few days. We needed to treat ourselves, and our babies. And we wanted to share it with a few friends at the most beautiful house (in my humble opinion) in Palm Springs, the Sycamore House.

This was my first time staying at an AirBnB, and the bar has been set you guys. The entire process of booking this place was super easy, and the owners were happy to provide a portable crib and highchair (we still had to bring one of each on our own, but still. Saved lots of space in the car). The home is gorgeous, and I feel like my photos don't give it justice. This place is the epitome of that casual Palm Springs vibe mixed with minimal mid-century/boho feel. 

This was my babies' first time staying away from home, and like many first-time moms, all my initial worries were for nothing. Would they be able to sleep in their pack n plays? Yep. Would they fuss too much being in a strange place? Nope. Would I be able to keep their normal feeding/napping schedule? Yep. The babes were champions. All the new sights, smells, pool time, not to mention four doting friends who were happy to play with and amuse the babies, thoroughly filled up their days, and they slept like champs through the night. Plus it really helped that we brought our babygates to set up a play yard area, with thick blankets laid down, because the pebble-rock flooring wasn't super baby-friendly. But we made it work. I also quickly realized it was pointless to bring baby clothes, because they were happy to just rock out in their diapers when they weren't in the pool. 

This trip also made me realize how much I miss bringing my camera wherever I go to just document through photography. I need to make a point of doing that more, because it's one of the main reasons I started this blog in the first place. To share my travels, my thoughts, little gems around town that I never want to forget. These aren't just memories for my husband and I anymore. They're memories for my children too.

The love affair with Palm Springs continues. So happy I got to spend it with family and friends :)

things I've enjoyed recently

1// Evening stroller walks with the babes. My husband and I were fortunate to have two separate strollers given to us for free from friends who no longer needed them, so we've been using those for our walks around the neighborhood. And just in time too, because my boy is already two inches(!) away from outgrowing his infant car seat.

2// Children are velociraptors.

3// Lisa Hanawalt's new book, Hot Dog Taste Test, is kooky and hilarious and strangely comforting.

4// I went to First Thursday at the Lafayette last night, and designed a mini planter to take home. Because you can never have enough succulent planters.

5// My friend Jennie and her husband have started an amazing podcast called Breaking Español, which you should follow and listen if you've ever wanted to not just learn a second language, but immerse yourself in it and try to live it every day. Even after living in Spain for three years, my Spanish is only so-so, so I really admire Jennie for doing this and sharing her journey.

6// I put a little mixtape together for Tiger + Ox's Monday Tuna a few weeks ago. I finally got to meet up with Leah (who runs the blog with her husband Cruz) in person here in San Diego, and it was so great, and I feel like I genuinely made a new friend. Not to mention we both have cats named Cleo and tattoos done by the same tattoo artist :)

7// This quote to remind me to put down my phone sometimes.

the shape of a mother

This is my post partum body.

For the past eight months, I've been struggling with this new version of myself. Some days, I feel rad and proud of what my body achieved: growing two tiny humans from scratch, and housing them safely for 35 weeks and two days. They were born healthy, and couldn't be more perfect. But then those other days. Days where I look in the mirror, and I don't recognize this soft, pliant belly. This stretched-out navel. Days where I touch my C-section scar and cringe, even though it was the only way to get my babies out safely. Days where I realized I'm still wearing my maternity jeans because they're the only ones that still fit me. Days where I feel and look like I've aged five years instead of 8 months, because holy cherries on a stick, these babes can run me ragged.

I'm still adjusting to motherhood, still finding my way. I expect this journey will continue for the rest of my life. I'm trying to find some kind of balance. I'm trying not to step on the scale so much, trying to forget what my pre-pregnant weight was. Why do I care so much about a number? I'm trying to eat moderately healthy, and that's hard too, when there's two babies who demand my attention for most of the day. But most of all, I'm trying to be kinder to myself, and do good things for my body and mind. I started taking barre classes three months ago, and it's been the biggest source of my confidence lately. There's just something about sweating it out while doing power squats and pliés in a room with other women (many of them mothers too) that makes me feel strong and beautiful. 

Even the act of taking these photos for this post was empowering. I hadn't done any kind of photography just for me in such a long time, and it felt strange but good to roll down my seamless backdrop and go through the motions of doing a simple self-portrait again. I've missed it. But the most surprising thing of all was when I looked at the photos I'd taken after uploading them to my computer. Instead of seeing a battered, stretch-marked body, the one I've been so negative about these past months, all I could see was a beautiful mother. A mother who is doing the best she can. A mother whose kids love to climb all over that soft, stretched-out belly. A mother who loves her kids so hard. A mother who is learning to love her body again.

shooting with film // palm springs, home, and tiny newborns

More 35mm film goodness that I shot last year, and finally got developed. All of these were shot with my dad's Canon A-1 that he graciously gave me a few years ago, which makes these photos even more precious to me.

The husband and I stayed at the Alcazar in Palm Springs last summer for a little "babymoon." I remember wanting to go before my twin bump got too large to really enjoy myself/walk around, and man, I was right on the cusp. We pretty much just hung out in the pool the whole time (which felt sooo good on my hugely pregnant body), and we even got some sweet professional massages by a company that will come straight to your room. This hotel was also a nice change of pace from the Ace Hotel that we stayed in during our last Palm Springs trip. Smaller, quieter, and we basically had the pool to ourselves. Not to mention our favorite breakfast spot, Cheeky's, was RIGHT NEXT DOOR. Yes please!

I CAN'T BELIEVE MY BABIES USED TO BE THIS SMALL. These photos feel like two blinks ago. Oh man. Back when all they did was sleep and eat all day. Easy street. Of course, at the time, it didn't feel easy at all. Sleep deprivation and post partum blues will do that to a new mother. But look at those tiny little faces. And Hazel's smile. I will cherish these photos forever.

I call that last one "Portrait of a Father of Newborn Twins." I wasn't the only one who was exhausted for four straight months. My husband is a rock star. Dadding like every dad should. He'll do it all - diaper changes, feedings, soothing, cleaning. And he'll STILL shoo me out the door so I can have some kid-free me time. He's a saint, and way too good for me.

Just random snaps from around my home. I was attempting to do some sort of one-photo-a-day project at the time, because it was the new year, and the babes were three months old, and I foolishly thought, "I can totally remember to do this every day!" Ha. Ha ha. But still. It was nice to get a few simple shots like these.

shooting with film // yosemite, julian & san diego

One of my favorite things about shooting with any of my non-digital cameras is picking up my developed prints from the print shop, opening the package, and seeing the first frame of the first roll. And remembering all over again where I was when I shot it, because it's been so long. That's something you just can't get from a digital camera, that rush of memories that floods your brain while you hold the actual print in your hands. It's so, so good.

Here's a few of my favorites from the first roll.

I was in Yosemite with these lovely ladies nearly two years ago, and I remember it like it was only last month. Golden light, hiking to a dried up lake, attempting to make scrambled eggs over open flame. I remember being covered in dust, and seeing lots of deer, and feeling very very small. In a good way.

Some friends and I took a day trip to Julian so shop, wine-taste, and eat apple pie. It was either late 2014 or early 2015. We made a pit stop at the Nickel Beer Company, which I'd never heard of before, but our friends knew about it (a bonus of having beer industry friends). I remember it felt small but rustic. And the beer was good. I've been to Julian a few times, and I love its charming, small-town feel. Visiting The Old Well was new for me though. A cute little vintage and record shop with its original well right in the middle of the store. I remember the drive back to San Diego as the sun was lowering in the sky, and how beautiful it looked, and how happy I felt in that moment.

Photo walks with photografriends is one of my favorite things to do around town. My friend Matt and I went to the suspension bridge in Bankers Hill and just walked around the neighborhood. I remember this was before I started the whole IVF process, and while we were on the bridge, I vented my frustrations about my fertility journey thus far. I felt so defeated. I had no idea that in just a few months, I would be pregnant. Life has a funny way of working out sometimes.

More film photos in my next post! :)