personal work // blended portraits

New year, new blog post! 2016 feels so weird to type, like we're living in the future. I'm not ready for it. But on the plus side, I was inspired to give the 'ole blog a makeover, so I did. New theme layout, more minimal, and it just feels more like me. And today, I want to take a break from the momming/twin posts, and share some portrait work I did back in 2014.

I wanted to do something interesting with some of the portraits in my archives, and I was partly inspired by my ego sum series, where I merged bits of nature to my own self-portraits. I created some of these images on my iPhone using the Image Blender app, and I created others in Photoshop.

The original portrait of Mio was from a fashion shoot collaboration back in 2014 (which I just realized I never blogged about! Must. Remedy.), and the rain on glass image was something I shot at home.

I merged a photo of foggy woods from a trip to the east coast with a portrait of Kristina that I took in Yosemite. Sometimes I have to experiment with blending different background images until I find a combination that just feels right and looks right.

I love this one so much. I shot this portrait of Kaila in my studio, and months later, I snapped the background image with my phone at a car wash from inside my car. Instead of soapy bubbles, I saw something that reminded me of the cosmos, something otherworldly. In Photoshop, I added the light effects around Kaila's face.

I shot a beautiful series of nudes of my dear friend Debbie, and decided to merge one of them with a simple iPhone shot of a succulent plant. You can see the original image of Debbie here.

Another portrait of Mio merged with tree and sky from my backyard.

I decided to play around with an older self-portrait from 2012 and blend it with a coastline image from Big Sur. I did this one in the Blender Image app, so the image quality isn't great, but I still quite like it.

And now I'm inspired again to create more of these this year :)

fox & wren // two months

I realized I never blogged the babes' two month photos, so I shall do them now, even though these were taken almost a month ago. Needless to say, momming has been keeping me busy!

They've both gained a good amount of weight, especially Vincent! The boy loves eating. All. The. Time. Hazel is way more nonchalant when it's feeding time. Even when she's really hungry, she doesn't take the bottle as excitedly as Vincent does. He's a gulper, barely taking a breath while he eats, while she savors her meal and takes her time, much like the Spanish did when I lived there for three years. My little cultured baby.

Those pointed toes kill me.

Somewhere between six and eight weeks, they both kinda figured out the difference between day and night and started sleeping better at night between feedings. "Better" as in "not having to soothe a crying baby every 10 minutes." I'm not sure how or why, but they've gotten to be pretty good sleepers at night. Granted, we're still getting up every three to four hours to feed them, but generally, as soon as we put them down in their cribs, they know it's sleep time. So far. I know that whole four month sleep regression thing is supposedly coming up, so I'm relishing these days while I can.

And the best part? They've started smiling at us! On purpose! They know we exist! Hazel is a bit more smiley than her brother, but when I greet them in the morning and pick them up out of their beds, and they smile at me in recognition, my heart melts. Their sweet faces are worth all the sleep deprivation in the world.

fox & wren // their first christmas

Merry Everything from my family to yours :)

things I've enjoyed recently

1// Checking out a little pocket of Mission Hills, and trying out Kettle & Stone, a rad little coffee shop + boutique

2// This beautifully haunting photo series by Ville Kansanen on chronicling depression.

3// This delicious spiced pear sangria that I made on Thanksgiving!

4// The twin babes' first Christmas tree! Even though the only things they care about right now are food, sleep, and cuddles, it's still nice to have a freshly cut tree in the house, trimmed and decorated for the holidays.

5// I'm currently reading One More Thing, and Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things, and they are both excellent.

6// The mister and I went to this year's Makers Arcade to check out the vendors, but mostly just to get out of the house with the babies. The cocktails were yummy, and I wanted to buy all the things.

7// This and this made me laugh, cause it's true.

A sampling of new-mom-of-twins thoughts

// Did I already feed the cat this morning? I can't remember, but I'm pretty sure I did.

// Should I put a different onesie on her? It's just a little bit of spit up, I think it's okay.

// Jesus, I really need a bang trim.

// And this is why I need to bring an extra shirt for me when I go out in public: because I now have Vincent's poop all over my white t-shirt.

// Why do some people think boy/girl twins can be identical?? One has a penis, and the other has a vagina, for chrissakes.

// Vincent just laughed in his sleep, and it is the best thing ever.

// How can I be exhausted yet wide awake at the same time?

// I can't believe I made these two humans, I love them so much!

// (while feeding Vincent) Hazel's still sleeping, thank god. I don't have to-- Shit, she just woke up. And crying.

// I'm so happy I can drink cocktails again.

// Six uninterrupted hours of sleep would be heaven right now.

// I have the best husband ever. I could never do this on my own.

// She smiled at me! I made her smile!

// Will I ever be cool again?

// I'm still wearing my maternity jeans, and that's okay.

// Oops, almost forgot to take my birth control pill today. Cause the last thing I need is another baby.

// Why the hell did I decide to do the pill? I can barely remember what day of the week it is. I should switch to Depo or something.

// Fuck it, I'll trim my own bangs.

// What do parents of singletons do with all that free time?

// I love my babies, I love my babies.

fox & wren's nursery

Even before I got pregnant, even before I started trying to get pregnant, I knew a few things about this room. I knew I wanted it to feel like an extension of my home, and not just "the baby room with a bunch of baby stuff in it." I knew I wanted it to be gender-neutral in color, and I wanted to fill it with things that my husband and I love that our babies will (hopefully) one day love too. I love being in this room. Even when I'm attempting to soothe a fussy baby at three in the morning (sometimes both at once) in a twin mom fog of sleep deprivation, this room reminds me how far I've come and how lucky I am to have not just one perfect healthy baby, but two.

Hazel's crib is on the left, and Vincent's is on the right. I feel grateful that the twins have been sleeping in their cribs every night since day one. The master bedroom just isn't big enough for a double bassinet thing, and co-sleeping with twins is pretty much not a good idea. But they sleep in their cribs like a champ (when they're not grumpy or doing ninja moves to break free of their swaddles).

I couldn't let that awesome banner from my baby shower go to waste, so it has a new home in their room! The framed print of Dracula and Lizard Guy playing with the Wolf Man used to be in my living room, but now it gets to hang out with the twins' little book collection.

Books, cameras, and hockey sticks. This is what you call "parents not-so-subtly exposing their children to their own hobbies and hoping they pick it up at some point." Only time will tell.

Real talk: The surface of this dresser doesn't actually look this uncluttered on a day to day basis. What you don't see are the diaper wipes, the diaper rash cream, the sound machine/nightlight, and various burp cloths and/or washcloths. Babies, man. They need so much stuff.

I'm actually quite proud of myself for not caving in and buying every single adorable pair of baby shoes I saw while I was pregnant, cause man, there are a LOT. These are the only ones I bought, and yes, we all know newborns don't technically need size 0 shoes, but they're freaking cute and they belong on my children's feet, and you can't stop me.

It's taken me nearly half a day to write and edit this post, but I consider that a win. #TwinMomProblems

:)

way overdue update // my twin babes are here!

Oh man. Was my last blog post really on the baby shower?? Has it been that long? Yes, yes it has. I am alive and well, and so are my twin babies. I am a mom, and they are my children, and it still feels surreal sometimes.

So much has happened since that last post. Shortly after that baby shower, my husband and I found out we had to move out of our rental due to the landlord selling. Like ASAP. At nearly 30 weeks pregnant. With the nursery already painted and baby furniture nearly put together. I promptly entered a state of Third-Trimester-Pregnant-With-Twins-DEFCON-5-Panic-Mode. But we survived. We quickly found a new place to live, and my dear, dear husband got us moved in while doing most of the physical labor (I could barely walk more than five minutes in my hugely pregnant state, which made me feel even more terrible and stressed about the move). He even painted the twins' room in the new place. He is a saint. Lots of friends also helped with the packing and moving. They are also saints.

The resident cat and her version of "helping to pack."

Even after moving in our new place, I was kind of a wreck. That nesting instinct you read about in all the pregnancy books? It is real, and for me, it was amplified by the fact that we had an entire house to unpack and set up. I drove my husband crazy with wanting every picture hung up, every book put away, and I washed every piece of baby clothing I had. All while I was having more and more trouble being mobile. Both my legs were painfully swollen. I felt like my back was trying to kill me. I was still having to sleep sitting up, which is pretty much the best way to get the shittiest sleep of your life.

But we did it. Short of having a hospital bag packed, we were mostly ready. The plan was to make it to 37 weeks, which is considered full term for twin pregnancies. We even made a tentative induction date for 37 weeks 2 days, assuming I didn't go into labor on my own. I remember thinking it was kinda cool that we were getting to essentially pick our kids' birthday.

Here's the last photo of my pregnant state before my life changed forever. My husband and I were going to a friend's housewarming party, and since I was dressed and showered and out in public with a giant watermelon under my dress (I barely went out those last few weeks), I made him take this photo to document it.

These Target sandals were the only shoes I could wear for the last two months. Huzzah elephant feet!

I won't go into a detailed birth story now (although I may in a future post), but long story short: At 35 weeks and two days, I went in for a routine OB appointment which turned into me being induced just hours later due to signs of preeclampsia. Since Baby A was still head down and not breech, the plan was to deliver both babies vaginally. More hours later, it was decided I needed to deliver them by C-section due to excessive vaginal bleeding. When it comes to twin pregnancies, things are even more high risk, so preeclampsia + bleeding = we need to get those babies out sooner rather than later. My doctor and nurses were wonderful. And I really, really love epidurals.

And then my babies came into this world on October 2nd, 2015, at 4:00 and 4:01 a.m. respectively. Hazel Wren was 4 pounds 10 ounces and 18.5 inches long, and Vincent Fox was 5 pounds, 1.5 ounces and 20 inches long. Here's our first family photo!

I was soo loopy on pain meds, but I love this photo. Look how tiny they were!

Hazel was in the NICU for two days, and Vincent was there for nine days. He had a few apnea events that necessitated  him staying longer, and even though nine days is nothing compared to what a lot of other NICU babies have to go through, it was still really hard to be discharged from the hospital with just one baby. But we visited him every day, and then finally brought him home. Then things got really real.

Holy crap holy crap we're responsible for two humans!

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, when they were four weeks old, and I took the first of what will be a monthly photo series. These babies are seriously growing and changing every single day, and thank god for smartphones, because my husband and I are constantly snapping photos and videos of these two munchkins. Like Hazel's scarily accurate Robert DeNiro impression, or Vincent trying to latch onto his dad's chest looking for boob food.

So yep. Lots more to share and tell, but I'll save that for another post. Right now, we're happy but tired. So very tired. I'll end with this quote I recently found: 

"Every night before I get my one hour of sleep, I have the same thought: 'Well that's a wrap on another day of acting like I know what I'm doing.' I wish I were exaggerating, but I'm not. Most of the time, I feel entirely unqualified to be a parent. I call these times being awake."

- Jim Gaffigan