the shape of a mother

This is my post partum body.

For the past eight months, I've been struggling with this new version of myself. Some days, I feel rad and proud of what my body achieved: growing two tiny humans from scratch, and housing them safely for 35 weeks and two days. They were born healthy, and couldn't be more perfect. But then those other days. Days where I look in the mirror, and I don't recognize this soft, pliant belly. This stretched-out navel. Days where I touch my C-section scar and cringe, even though it was the only way to get my babies out safely. Days where I realized I'm still wearing my maternity jeans because they're the only ones that still fit me. Days where I feel and look like I've aged five years instead of 8 months, because holy cherries on a stick, these babes can run me ragged.

I'm still adjusting to motherhood, still finding my way. I expect this journey will continue for the rest of my life. I'm trying to find some kind of balance. I'm trying not to step on the scale so much, trying to forget what my pre-pregnant weight was. Why do I care so much about a number? I'm trying to eat moderately healthy, and that's hard too, when there's two babies who demand my attention for most of the day. But most of all, I'm trying to be kinder to myself, and do good things for my body and mind. I started taking barre classes three months ago, and it's been the biggest source of my confidence lately. There's just something about sweating it out while doing power squats and pliés in a room with other women (many of them mothers too) that makes me feel strong and beautiful. 

Even the act of taking these photos for this post was empowering. I hadn't done any kind of photography just for me in such a long time, and it felt strange but good to roll down my seamless backdrop and go through the motions of doing a simple self-portrait again. I've missed it. But the most surprising thing of all was when I looked at the photos I'd taken after uploading them to my computer. Instead of seeing a battered, stretch-marked body, the one I've been so negative about these past months, all I could see was a beautiful mother. A mother who is doing the best she can. A mother whose kids love to climb all over that soft, stretched-out belly. A mother who loves her kids so hard. A mother who is learning to love her body again.

shooting with film // palm springs, home, and tiny newborns

More 35mm film goodness that I shot last year, and finally got developed. All of these were shot with my dad's Canon A-1 that he graciously gave me a few years ago, which makes these photos even more precious to me.

The husband and I stayed at the Alcazar in Palm Springs last summer for a little "babymoon." I remember wanting to go before my twin bump got too large to really enjoy myself/walk around, and man, I was right on the cusp. We pretty much just hung out in the pool the whole time (which felt sooo good on my hugely pregnant body), and we even got some sweet professional massages by a company that will come straight to your room. This hotel was also a nice change of pace from the Ace Hotel that we stayed in during our last Palm Springs trip. Smaller, quieter, and we basically had the pool to ourselves. Not to mention our favorite breakfast spot, Cheeky's, was RIGHT NEXT DOOR. Yes please!

I CAN'T BELIEVE MY BABIES USED TO BE THIS SMALL. These photos feel like two blinks ago. Oh man. Back when all they did was sleep and eat all day. Easy street. Of course, at the time, it didn't feel easy at all. Sleep deprivation and post partum blues will do that to a new mother. But look at those tiny little faces. And Hazel's smile. I will cherish these photos forever.

I call that last one "Portrait of a Father of Newborn Twins." I wasn't the only one who was exhausted for four straight months. My husband is a rock star. Dadding like every dad should. He'll do it all - diaper changes, feedings, soothing, cleaning. And he'll STILL shoo me out the door so I can have some kid-free me time. He's a saint, and way too good for me.

Just random snaps from around my home. I was attempting to do some sort of one-photo-a-day project at the time, because it was the new year, and the babes were three months old, and I foolishly thought, "I can totally remember to do this every day!" Ha. Ha ha. But still. It was nice to get a few simple shots like these.

shooting with film // yosemite, julian & san diego

One of my favorite things about shooting with any of my non-digital cameras is picking up my developed prints from the print shop, opening the package, and seeing the first frame of the first roll. And remembering all over again where I was when I shot it, because it's been so long. That's something you just can't get from a digital camera, that rush of memories that floods your brain while you hold the actual print in your hands. It's so, so good.

Here's a few of my favorites from the first roll.

I was in Yosemite with these lovely ladies nearly two years ago, and I remember it like it was only last month. Golden light, hiking to a dried up lake, attempting to make scrambled eggs over open flame. I remember being covered in dust, and seeing lots of deer, and feeling very very small. In a good way.

Some friends and I took a day trip to Julian so shop, wine-taste, and eat apple pie. It was either late 2014 or early 2015. We made a pit stop at the Nickel Beer Company, which I'd never heard of before, but our friends knew about it (a bonus of having beer industry friends). I remember it felt small but rustic. And the beer was good. I've been to Julian a few times, and I love its charming, small-town feel. Visiting The Old Well was new for me though. A cute little vintage and record shop with its original well right in the middle of the store. I remember the drive back to San Diego as the sun was lowering in the sky, and how beautiful it looked, and how happy I felt in that moment.

Photo walks with photografriends is one of my favorite things to do around town. My friend Matt and I went to the suspension bridge in Bankers Hill and just walked around the neighborhood. I remember this was before I started the whole IVF process, and while we were on the bridge, I vented my frustrations about my fertility journey thus far. I felt so defeated. I had no idea that in just a few months, I would be pregnant. Life has a funny way of working out sometimes.

More film photos in my next post! :)

a sampling of mom-of-7-month-old-twins thoughts

// This age is seriously light years better and more fun than when they were sleepy newborns. The giggles! The personalities!

// The poops though. Jesus Christ, the poops.

// This photo, for the rest of my life:

// It's like I have twin parent radar now. If we see each other out in public, we smile and acknowledge each other like motorcycle guys do on the road.

// Trying to feed Hazel pureed food = SHITSHOW.

// Hearing them laugh at each other warms my cold, cynical heart.

// Me on the floor = human fort for Vince to climb.

// Just saw the word "Mom-iform" in an article, and I wanna throw up a little.

// Vincent's relationship with the cat is pretty much this:

// I hate baby-proofing. Can I just super-glue everything down and put a helmet on them?

photoshoot flashback // specimen

Photography: Lisa Kimberly // Fashion design: Annalynn Luu // Jewelry: Sweet1985 // Hair: Badri Kermani // Makeup: Danielle Henry // Model: Mio White // Assistance: Kristina Yamamoto

Once upon a time, before the twins came along, I collaborated on a really fun photo shoot with some talented women. And then I never got around to blogging it, until now. So here goes! 

I worked with two very different designers and a sculptor, not to mention a fantastic creative team. It still blows my mind what can happen when all sorts of creative types input their skills and talents for a shoot, and how lucky I feel that I get to photograph the magic. Looking at this image humbles me, because I know that I am just a slice of this image; it takes more than one person to make a great shoot happen, and this is proof of that.

This dress was designed by Annalynn Luu, and it's made out of....wait for it....trash bags. Unfreakingbelievable. Our mood board for this shoot was a little bit Victorian, a little dark, with some insect imagery thrown in....so while editing this, I decided to add the moth, and it seemed to fit pretty well. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't also partly inspired by Miss Aniela and her ongoing surreal fashion series. She often incorporates animals or objects into her fashion images, so this is a bit of a homage to that.

Those beautiful elk sculpture were made by the uber-talented Zynada, and they fit in so perfectly with this shoot. Not too long after this shoot, I photographed more of her sculpture work individually, which you can see on her website. Sweet 1985 also provided some of her rad jewelry for these looks, which was another bonus.

Photography: Lisa Kimberly // Fashion design: Jaqueline Hazel // Hair: Badri Kermani // Makeup: Danielle Henry // Model: Mio White // Assistance: Kristina Yamamoto

This amazing cardboard dress was made by the second designer I worked with on the shoot, Jaqueline Hazel. Another creative soul who makes her garments out of unconventional materials. She was inspired by sort of an underwater vibe, and to me, Mio looked like this beautiful, ethereal mermaid.

I wanted to play around with some in-camera motion blur for this garment, which is harder than it looks to capture. But out of dozens of images, this one spoke to me the most.

This was probably my favorite look/shot of the day! Another amazing cardboard dress design by Jaqeuline.

And here's some behind-the-scenes from that day!

Badri Kermani did her hair magic for the shoot, and I've worked with her before, so it was great to see her and collaborate with her again.

My good friend Danielle graciously lent her makeup skills, and she really nailed it with all the different looks. So many creative women working together under one roof = my heaven :)

From left to right: Zynada, Annalynn, and Jaqueline.

This was seriously such a fun shoot, and I'm glad that I was a part of it. Hopefully I'll be doing more artsy fartsy things in the near future :)

life lately because I'm awful at blogging

1// Something that rarely happens: a photo of me with my babes in which I'm showered, looking mostly presentable, and not taking a half-assed selfie with my phone. A mom-of-twins miracle! (super thanks to my husband who shot this for me!)

2// Another shameless photo of my nuggets because look at those faces! They'll be six months this week, and I can't believe it's already been half a year. Vince is trying to crawl so bad, and Hazel is such a master roller that every time I turn my back, she's in a new spot. I've also decided that I'll continue to share their monthly photos on my instagram rather than here on the blog. It's just easier for my life right now.

3// I've started taking barre classes at a local studio, and it is giving me LIFE. It's something I've been wanting to try for ages, and after taking the first class, I was all, "Yep. This is exactly what I need." The studio also offers different types of yoga and cardio classes, so I get to try those things as well. So stoked that I'm being active again. Even though the babes definitely keep me active in a different way, sometimes I just need to be in a room where a toned woman is instructing me to do plié squats until my quads burn.

4// A friend let me know about a tapestry weaving workshop at West Elm that I could sign up for, and I'm so glad I did! I was just writing in my last post that I wanted to learn this particular craft, and the class was so good! It was taught by Anna of Prissage Studio, and she set us up with our very own wooden loom and tools to start weaving. She taught us a few basic weaving techniques, the importance of a good warp, and how to finish off the piece once we're done. She even gave us a bunch of extra yarn so we could finish our work at home. I finished mine a few days later, and I'm already thinking ahead to the next few I want to do! The creative possibilities seem endless, and I've been getting lots of weaving inspiration from instagram. I smell a visit to Michael's coming up very soon, so I can stock up on all the yarn :)