6:30 am thoughts

I'm writing this at 6:30 in the morning, because I had a horrible night's sleep, and I woke up in physical and emotional pain. I had an awful dream that I thought I was losing part or all of my babies. Something felt wrong. Something was trying to come out of my body much, much too early.

I haven't been sleeping well for the past several days. Even with my enormous 'pregnancy pillow,' this massive U-shaped thing that was so helpful when I first got it, doesn't seem to help with all these new aches that I'm waking up with. It feels like a burden. This morning I wanted to stab it violently.

Up until now, I've had the normal pains and uncomfortable-ness that comes along with pregnancy, and I've dealt with it pretty okay, and then the posterior pelvic pain (aka pelvic girdle pain) came along as if to say, "Since you've had a fairly easy pregnancy so far, let's show you how much it can fucking suck." And it did. And walking from the living room to my bedroom felt like it took an hour, with every painful step. I popped Tylenol all day yesterday for it, which only helped so much. And then I felt guilty for taking medication, even though I know rationally that Tylenol is safe to use during pregnancy. Some twisted part of my brain feels that I deserve to feel every sharp stabbing pain, every cramp, every inconvenience, because I wanted this. I wanted this pregnancy so badly, did everything I could to achieve it. 

As I write this, our guest room that will become the nursery has yet to be cleared. Still unpainted. The only piece of furniture we bought so far is the rocker. I feel so horribly behind. We need to have a yard sale. I feel like the entire house is filthy and needs a professional cleaning. I feel like we're losing time. The only upside so far is that I've become obsessed with throwing out all the boxes and paper trash we've accumulated over the past four years. Why am I hoarding all this tissue paper? Do I really need 23 gift bags? It's a slow start, but it's a start.

 My husband has been my rock through all of this. So supportive, so willing to do anything to make me feel better. But he doesn't always see me when I break down in tears. I try to keep that from him. He has so many of his own fears and uncertainty about impending fatherhood, and we talk about it together. He's being so strong for me, and I'm trying to be strong for him too.

I know this is all temporary. I know this won't last forever. I'm halfway through this pregnancy, and I just need to push through. My babies are so worth every single physical pain. Whenever I feel their tiny bodies kick from the inside, my heart swells and everything becomes more bearable. They are going to keep growing, and they need me to be strong.

I will be strong for them.

photo taken at 19 weeks, © Lisa Kimberly

bits of life // may

1// A few months ago, some of my girlfriends and I decided that we should get together at least once a month and do something crafty/DIY-able. It would be a good way to hang out/catch up/bonding time, and we'd also be able to fiiiinally put our Pinterest DIY posts to use instead of being just pinned and lonely, never to be made. Our first group outing was a Rais Case workshop where we made our own dreamcatchers, and it was super fun. We finally got around to setting up our second craft event, this time at my house, and we decided we'd try this awesome yarn and eucalyptus wall hanging DIY from the fantastic blog Poppytalk (seriously, it's like DIY porn on that blog). It was ridiculously easy to make, and it came out so beautiful and minimal. I might put it in the twins' nursery, or just leave it in my bedroom where it is now. I haven't decided yet.

2// Fun outings with friends! It's crazy to think this will be our last summer sans children, so we're taking advantage as much as we can. Like bonfiring on Mission Bay, something we'd actually never done our whole time in San Diego thus far. And catching a Padres game with 30+ friends in the Picnic Terrace area. I don't even care for baseball that much, but who cares when your ticket includes all-you-can-eat burgers, dogs, snacks, and drinks? Sign me up, said every pregnant lady ever.

3// The mister and I decided during my 16th week that we couldn't wait any longer to find out the sexes of the babies, so we made an appointment at one of those 4D ultrasound clinics for the very next day. I was nervous that my loinfruits wouldn't be in a good position to view their bits, or that we'd have an awful tech who didn't know what she/he was doing (some of their Yelp reviews weren't too comforting), but we couldn't have gotten a better experience. Our ultrasound tech couldn't have been nicer, positive, or more competent. As soon as she looked at each baby's nether regions, she pointed out right away what she saw. The verdict: Baby A is a girl, and Baby B is a boy! So stoked! We bought these onesies the next day at one of our fave shops, Graffiti Beach, and I can't wait to put them on their tiny bodies.

4// This was taken just a few days ago, at 17 weeks 3 days pregnant. Holy mother of belly. In just three short weeks, I went from "She probably eats a lot of tacos" to "There's definitely at least one baby in there." These babes are growing fast. And I'm definitely feeling it. Lots of lower back pain, round ligament pain that keeps my vocabulary quite colorful, and getting a good night's sleep is impossible. The mister likes to affectionately call me "preggersaurus" and I don't even mind, cause it's true. I'm always waddling, shuffling, grunting with certain movements, and I'm hungry every two hours. Sexy stuff, right?

15 weeks and lots of feels

First things first: To every book, person, online article, and pregnancy app that told me that the second trimester would bring some relief in symptoms, I only have this to say to you...

That is all. Moving on...

Emotionally, I've been all over the place these past few weeks. Bouts of spontaneous weeping (my record so far: four times in one day) mixed with giddy excitement mixed with feeling completely overwhelmed at the thought of having twins-holy-hell-how-am-I-going-to-do-this-I-can't-even-pick-out-a-paint-color-for-the-nursery.

I know it's all completely normal and expected to be feeling this way, but it really is something else to experience it firsthand. I read this fantastic illustrated essay by Rebecca Roher on Mother's Day, and it really hit home how strange and beautiful and transformative pregnancy is, and I found myself weeping again. Even though I'm not yet halfway through my own pregnancy, I can relate to much of what she wrote, especially the part where she talks about how it's a process that can't really be controlled or stopped. 

I think that's the part that feels the most alien to me lately. All these physical changes and symptoms that are happening to my body, and I'm simply along for the ride. There's nothing I can really do until these babies are born. Sure, I can pop a Zantac every morning to manage my acid reflux, and drink my weight in ginger tea to soothe my nausea, but these babies are going to keep growing, and there's going to be more unpleasant side effects for the next five months. AND I CAN'T STOP IT.

On the flip side, I'm never been so happy to be so physically uncomfortable. My body is doing something it's never done before, and I'm amazed every day that it keeps on doing it, making a temporary home for two tiny humans. So while I'm suffering these damn round ligament pains and forgetting simple tasks like closing the garage door, my body not only grew two placentas from scratch, but knows just the right amount of oxygen and nutrients that my babies need. Biology is a beautiful thing.

bits of life // april

1// Hey, I got published! Slo Life Magazine contacted me a few months ago, asking if they could do a little write up about my wallflower photo in their April/May issue (which you can see full-size at the link) that was taken at the Madonna Inn. Of course I said yes, and it came out lovely! I wish I could link you to the online version of the article, but there doesn't appear to be one. So this quick Instagram shot will have to do. Oh, and this is one of the many photos I took during my little jaunt to Yosemite/Big Sur/San Luis Obispo with two other photographers, which you can read about here.

2// If there's two things I hoard, it's camera stuff, and home decor/design books. Especially when it's a book published by a blogger I love, or a book recommended by a blogger I love. I've been following Justina Blakeney's blog for at least three years, and its always been the best eclectic boho eye candy for me. She's inspired me to be more adventurous with using more pattern and color in my home, and I can't wait to look through every single page of her new book.

I read about the new book Design Mom via Emily Henderson (another great blogger), and thought to myself, "Welp, I'm about to have two little hellions running around my house; this might be a good book to have." Especially since I don't want to necessarily sacrifice everything home decor-wise once I have children. (I say that now, but easier said than done, right?)

3// Look, I'm outside! Not nauseated and miserable on my couch! It's a first trimester miracle! Some girlfriends and I had a pool day last weekend, and it was one of those rare days when I felt 100% not pregnant at all. No morning queasiness, no heartburn, no bloat. It was bliss, and it felt good to put on a bikini, showcase my tiny baby bump, and just spend some time in the water with some rad ladies. My morning sickness has definitely waned over these past few weeks, which I'm so so grateful for. The nausea still hits me at least once a day, but I'm getting more energy back, and showing my face in public again. It's grand.

4// Might as well show the 'ole bump. I'm officially 12 weeks today, so I'm nearly done with my first trimester! I had my first OB appointment since transferring from my infertility doctor two days ago, and it went really great. It was a 45 minute long appointment, and my new doctor was super thorough with verifying my family medical history, giving me a full physical exam, and answering my questions. Then she did a quick ultrasound scan of the twins at the end, which showed Twin B moving around and Twin A taking a nap, apparently. They're growing great, and everything looks good. 

I still can't believe sometimes they're really in there, just growing and moving around and basically renting out my uterus for nine months. So these ultrasound scans are really special to me, because I can see them in real time, bunked up next to each other, and I think, "Those are mine. I'm really having them."

:)

9 weeks, and can I skip ahead to the 2nd trimester please?

First things first. I apologize in advance for this and all future pregnancy-related posts to any readers who couldn't care less about the whole growing-humans-in-utero business, but it's gonna happen. And this is such a big part of my life right now, that I feel that I need to have a record of what's happening for posterity's sake, right? Right.

I am 9 weeks along, and for the first 6 weeks, I was in newly-pregnant heaven. I was feeling pretty good save for some hardcore fatigue throughout the day; I had two ultrasound appointments where I not only got to see my tiny humans on the screen, but I got to hear their heartbeats as well; and I was already making small changes to my diet in an effort to eat healthier.

And then week 7 got here, and hellooo, Nausea Town! And it is the worst. Imagine the worst hangover you've ever had, but it doesn't go away for days, weeks. Add a side of heartburn and a dollop of that fatigue I mentioned earlier, and that's been the past two weeks for me. Today is actually the first day since it started that I feel like a semi-functional human being for more than an hour. I'll even take a shower tonight, because I'm a gross pregnant woman who hasn't showered in like three days due to said nausea and lack of energy.

Belly bump-wise, there's not too much going on yet. I can see a small difference between my first photo at 6 weeks and today's photo, but if you didn't know I was pregnant, you'd just think it was bloat. Or lots of tacos.

Apologies for the side-boob. Apparently I didn't feel like putting on a bra, or a shirt that day.

It still hasn't really registered that this part of my body will change so drastically over the next 7 months. I can feel the inside changes all the time (cramps/twinges in my uterus, increased heart rate), but I'm excited to see the outward changes too. Bring on the basketball belly and ginormous boobs!

I'M MAKING TINY HUMANS!!

You guys, it happened. Finally. After over five years of trying to conceive, I'm officially knocked up thanks to my husband, and some good 'ole science! After many failed rounds of medicated cycles that included Clomid, injectable hormone shots, and IUI's (and this was after years of trying naturally on our own), we knew that IVF (in vitro fertilization) was going to be our last and best shot. AND IT WORKED!

And according to this ultrasound, we are having twins! (which we were totally prepared for since we transferred two embryos) I'll be eight weeks along tomorrow, and it feels more and more real every day. Especially with my last two ultrasound scans, when I got to hear the heartbeats. It was surreal.

I never really used this blog space to write about my infertility struggles, but in retrospect, I wish I would have. Mentally and emotionally, it was a lot to go through, and I kept most of it bottled up. I did use photography as an outlet for my emotional state, which I'm grateful for. It inspired my most personal photo series, which I wrote about here.

I am thankful for my husband, I am thankful for my infertility doctors, and I am thankful I live in a time where science is helping me have children of my own. As the wise Jesse Pinkman (from my favorite show ever, Breaking Bad) would say:

bits of home // february and march

1// I love the way the sun comes through the backyard in the late afternoons. The string lights turn into a bunch of lit orbs, and you know I can't resist a good lens flare.

2// Just a few things on my reading list, although I've read most of them by now. Just The Tips is a hilarious collection of tips/advice/confessions from the letters column of Sex Criminals, which happens to be an amazing comic that you should start reading immediately. Men Explain Things to Me is one of the best essays I've ever read, and should be a must-read for anyone who calls themselves a feminist (men included).

3// The resident cat doing cat things, like catching those rays of light.

4// I love my new outdoor mat so much. You have been warned. Sidenote: I've never understood how some people can keep their shoes on while lounging around at home. It feels so odd and unnatural to me. Once I'm home, it's shoes off and comfy sweatpants on. Socks are optional.

And! The mister and I just got some great news! His job is going to keep us in San Diego for three more years! Hurray! It's pretty much exactly what we wanted. Three more years of California wanderlusting, the best Mexican food, and all the great friends we've made here. We are so excited :)